Celebrities on Instagram
|
234 Ranking |
4,360 Posts |
1,071,078 Followers |
2,465 Followings |
Whitney Cummings My new Podcast Good For You is on Apple podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, etc. “Can I Touch It?” special on Netflix. Text me at 8182397527 or click here ⬇️ | linktr.ee/whitneycummings |
Whitney Cummings Posts
8,536 Likes | 1513 days ago | 324
Merch is COMING. comment with ideas.
6,347 Likes | 1513 days ago | 148
Today’s pod is one of my favorites. The comedy legend @jimnorton and brilliant writer, producer, singer and my bestie @ourladyj and I have a frank AF talk about trans issues. I ask all the dumb questions so you don’t have to. ❤️
30,566 Likes | 1514 days ago | 607
Nobody talks about the behind the scenes destroyed friendships caused by making Tik Tok videos. Swipe to watch us grow to hate each other. More meltdowns in my stories
15,441 Likes | 1516 days ago | 853
More hot content of me sleepwalking on my surveillance cameras. I seem to just be staring at my garage angrily? 😂
48,276 Likes | 1516 days ago | 1,185
Babies and i are obsessed with this top from @fashionbrandcompany 😍
19,027 Likes | 1516 days ago | 175
Sunday at my house in a nutshell #adoptdontshop
26,897 Likes | 1517 days ago | 452
People who listen to the pod get it
7,848 Likes | 1518 days ago | 86
I learned so much about breastfeeding from @kateupton 🤯 shout out to all the moms who talk about the hardships and complications of motherhood to dispel shame! Full episode now on YouTube ❤️
3,031 Likes | 1519 days ago | 116
We are selling out and adding shows! New shows added in San Fran, Chicago and CT. Love you guys. ❤️
18,675 Likes | 1634 days ago | 319
Halloween is upon us and my robot is desperate for attention. #halloween
8,574 Likes | 1634 days ago | 98
This is gonna be a tricky week in California but sending huge thank you to all the heroes at the @losangelesfiredepartment for your incredible bravery. As I was checking to see how close the fire was to my house I saw them loading up and am completely in awe. Send them all the love and support you can ❤️ if you want to help you can donate to @lafdfoundation
36,465 Likes | 1634 days ago | 7,001
My podcast is coming out in less than two weeks and i desperately need help picking the cover art for it. Since y’all never seem shy about giving honest feedback, let me know which pic you won’t get sick of? Thank you!
10,001 Likes | 1635 days ago | 157
My pig would like to say hello and report that he’s gonna full pig at @centraltexaspigrescue 💛
18,906 Likes | 1637 days ago | 247
When you’re effortlessly chic but also need to return the top when you’re done taking pictures in it.
8,613 Likes | 1639 days ago | 90
#tbt when I got to have the most magical day ever seeing elephants rescued from the circus by my heroes at @pawsark2000 with @tessholliday ❤️
14,849 Likes | 1639 days ago | 142
Thank you @vanityfair for providing me with the photo I will use in my obituary. ❤️ @rupaulofficial ❤️
5,943 Likes | 1640 days ago | 147
My friend @katiecassidy sent me @withjane because she knows sometimes I need to calm the F@$#% down. All natch CBD and hemp oil. Take it down a notch with the furtive sips of Zima in a water bottle and get some at WithJane.com instead 💛
2,531 Likes | 1656 days ago | 126
Thinking about buying this robot horse for my @whitneysrobot or is it not creepy enough?
16,582 Likes | 1657 days ago | 212
Sleepy pig but make it fashion. I ❤️ you @thegentlebarn.
4,509 Likes | 1658 days ago | 295
Psychopath @bentonrayy terrorizes wonderful person (me) with a dead squirrel and I will have night terrors forever.
2,268 Likes | 1659 days ago | 39
Getting a robot of yourself is a full time job. The process took about 6 months. You have not seen her on my socials too much lately because she’s currently getting new eyeballs and fingers because I dropped her one too many times but she’s intact in my special now on Netflix.
12,561 Likes | 1659 days ago | 312
I tried Gaga’s face stickers and I’d say I nailed it. @hauslabs you get me
23,719 Likes | 1660 days ago | 809
The fact that I don’t charge for relationship advice is pretty wild. When else should you CALL IT in a relationship?
5,700 Likes | 1661 days ago | 116
My nemeses @whitneysrobot and @bentonrayy made my closet clean out wildly demoralizing. Full video on my YouTube channel. Are these as ugly as these haters think they are
16,347 Likes | 1662 days ago | 133
At the end of the special taping we had to pick up some promos and re-shoot something for continuity but my audience was a sass fest.
7,330 Likes | 1662 days ago | 85
Was everyone at my special taping a Virgo? Because y’all were bossy and micro-managey as hell when we had to do some pick ups at the end. 🤦🏻♀️ More outtakes on my YouTube channel
19,564 Likes | 1663 days ago | 1,679
If I see you wearing these, we will have words. Who is the target audience for these?!
29,423 Likes | 1674 days ago | 930
Here’s an update on Violet the @wrinkledragon. She’s doing just fine even though I’m suspicious she got butt implants and is now an actual potato.
6,628 Likes | 1675 days ago | 77
I was not able to do the Alec Baldwin Roast but I did bring him up in my Netflix special out of absolutely nowhere. More info about my boob fiasco on my YouTube channel.
6,657 Likes | 1677 days ago | 112
I knew @steveo could handle @whitneysrobot in “conversation mode” where I don’t program what she says. I’m still having nightmares, but he handled it great. Link to full video in my bio. 🤖
12,365 Likes | 1677 days ago | 430
Actual footage of me at a party trying to talk to people about my dogs. Tag your friends who would listen to me 🤦🏻♀️
28,823 Likes | 1677 days ago | 498
I’m starting to get this slide show thing! Three mediocre photos equals one good one 👍
4,921 Likes | 1678 days ago | 52
The always hilarious @robintran04.
9,342 Likes | 1678 days ago | 1,027
On Saturdays we Vogue Battle as if we are in the tractor scene from Footloose. My dance enemy @bentonrayy wants to give you a pair of the shoes I’m wearing. They’re by my favorite vegan shoe line @cultofcoquette. Two people will get them for free but you gotta: 1. Make sure you are following myself, @cultofcoquette and @bentonrayy 2. Tag a friend in the comments. 3. Benton will then pick 2 winners and connect you with @cultofcoquette who will get two of y’all my favorite heels. (swipe right to see up close) Winners will be chosen on September 30! We are GOOD PEOPLE it turns out! Good luck! ❤️
19,254 Likes | 1679 days ago | 208
Urgent please help
14,462 Likes | 1680 days ago | 934
Spot on? @bentonrayy made this so direct your anger at him, Virgos and Cancers.
19,706 Likes | 1681 days ago | 640
A clip from my HBO special I’m Your Girlfriend, where she ruminates about how men discovered anal sex. Longer clips on my YouTube channel #tbt
470 Likes | 1703 days ago | 15
I put Bearclaw on a dating app and it went incredibly weird. Link to full video in bio.
10,816 Likes | 1704 days ago | 183
And this is what the end of my next special will look like. Thank you @thepouf for making this so I get used to @whitneysrobot getting revenge.
35,375 Likes | 1706 days ago | 1,752
Am I allowed to just get married in this? What is with the “wedding dresses must be white” racket? Who makes these rules? Has anyone experienced a not white wedding dress and how did it go? Why didn’t we all take a fashion tip from the icon @sarahjessicaparker?
35,126 Likes | 1707 days ago | 636
It really could go either way.
49,143 Likes | 1708 days ago | 1,049
This is not how I saw my life going.
20,508 Likes | 1709 days ago | 307
Fingers crossed the great @melissavcomedy and I are long lost twins so I finally get to call her my sister
10,907 Likes | 1710 days ago | 532
This happened moments before Bearclaws @jimmykimmellive performance, so now you know why she looked so incredibly crazy. 🤦🏻♀️ Do not watch this if you’re creeped out by things that look kinda human kinda dead
18,042 Likes | 1710 days ago | 278
I was an intern at @voguemagazine and now they’re obsessed with me.
17,518 Likes | 1711 days ago | 388
Welcome to Hollywood
30,599 Likes | 1711 days ago | 286
Tonight I am on @jimmykimmellive dressed like the maid from the Jetsons. We talk about robots, weddings, and why I’ll never be in Star Wars.
5,774 Likes | 1712 days ago | 74
Today is #worldelephantday. If you want to do something to help, follow or donate to @pawsark2000 who truly rescue and do not exploit. And do not ride elephants or support the circus. Do not believe assholes who say it’s “conservation.” It’s not. It’s always abuse. We’ve all made mistakes but it’s never too late to do the right thing. I also love @sheldricktrust 🐘 ❤️
8,950 Likes | 1713 days ago | 166
The genius @melissavcomedy is more me than me with her impression of me and now I don’t even know who I am.
13,290 Likes | 1714 days ago | 212
This was the first day I met @whitneysrobot. I know I seem comfortable with her now, but at first I was alarmed to say the least. I had no idea she was going to be able to have actual conversations without being programmed, so this broke my brain. We are both now screaming on Netflix.
55,108 Likes | 1714 days ago | 16,798
Wedding dress shopping is surprisingly hard and I rolled my ankle numerous times...but which one do you like? And thank you @amsale for letting me be such a dumb ass in your beautiful salon.
9,888 Likes | 1715 days ago | 214
Okay this started as a joke but now this bitch is starting to take my gigs. She’s on @todayshow airing right now but the good news is that her performance is robotic
18,249 Likes | 1715 days ago | 372
How many horses can you spot on this dress that I’m never taking off?
13,735 Likes | 1716 days ago | 126
Thank you @ryanseacrest for keeping the conversation moving so I couldn’t digress and force @vanessahudgens to sing RENT with me on @livekellyandryan this morning. Thank you @abbyhornacek for giving me this normal white shirt to borrow and 💇🏻♀️ @jillianhalouska 💄 @andrea_tiller
27,812 Likes | 1717 days ago | 651
I found the only shirt I’ll ever wear again. Thank you @lelarose for being a genius and realizing that dogs should be on everything. Tag your dog people ☺️
26,019 Likes | 1718 days ago | 502
I always forget I have this damn tattoo. Thank you for asking so many smart questions about my special @itsalexberg @buzzfeed @am2dm 🤖 📷 @jjreddington
12,367 Likes | 1719 days ago | 212
Happy #worklikeadog day and by that I mean I hope you sleep for most of it. @netflixisajoke @netflix #canitouchit
6,687 Likes | 1719 days ago | 146
If this doesn’t get me a deal to do a reboot of the movie Face/Off then Hollywood hates money 🤖
6,853 Likes | 1721 days ago | 348
Got her wig snatched, then remembered she’s still cute. @whitneysrobot 🤖
37,124 Likes | 1722 days ago | 1,375
There is a slight chance I did all this just so I could drive in the carpool lane. #canitouchit
57,113 Likes | 1723 days ago | 1,803
I think I’m getting the hang of this Instagram thing: just pretend you’re busy and reveal too much.
28,765 Likes | 1723 days ago | 528
Violet was sick of my robot stealing her thunder.
30,931 Likes | 1724 days ago | 563
As always, thank you @joerogan.
10,761 Likes | 1724 days ago | 290
Can someone please get Bearclaw on Love Island and out of my house? I got her on every dating app, and that’s literally all I can do for her. You can see the beginning of this Robot ROM-COM on my new YouTube channel! Link in my stories! @netflixisajoke @whitneysrobot
8,221 Likes | 1724 days ago | 272
Today this jerk takes over @netflixisajoke so head over there for some wild shit. @netflix @whitneysrobot 🤖
20,715 Likes | 1725 days ago | 661
Don’t be jealous you didn’t think of it! My new special CAN I TOUCH IT? is now streaming on @netflix ! #canitouchit @netflixisajoke @whitneysrobot for everyone asking @robzangardi is the brain behind my denim tuxedo.
13,306 Likes | 1725 days ago | 469
Tonight at midnight my new stand up special streams on @netflixisajoke. PC police, start your engines. #canitouchit
5,350 Likes | 1725 days ago | 112
Tonight you’ll get to find out what in the lords name all this rigmarole is all about! CAN I TOUCH IT? Streams at midnight on @netflixisajoke 🤖
18,522 Likes | 1726 days ago | 798
This Tuesday at midnight on @netflixisajoke I’ll explain what the hell is going on here. #canitouchit
6,110 Likes | 1727 days ago | 177
TWO more days till CAN I TOUCH IT? Streams on @netflixisajoke. Get ready to feel some weird things.
10,411 Likes | 1727 days ago | 494
3 more days until my new special comes out on @netflixisajoke July 30. Get ready to laugh and see some very weird shit. #canitouchit
31,504 Likes | 1729 days ago | 1,236
Total blast to speak at the @girlboss rally. Here are some hot tips I wish someone had told me when I was a young buck trying to make something of myself. Any good advice I’m missing? #girlboss #girlbossrally
10,891 Likes | 1729 days ago | 105
It’s not often you get to pose on a red carpet next to a painting of your own dog. Thank you @refinery29 and @vca for collaborating to direct short films about animal adoption. #petfriendly
3,741 Likes | 1730 days ago | 91
This is me without make up on letting you know there’s only 6 more days until my new stand up special is on @netflixisajoke. #canitouchit
71,359 Likes | 1730 days ago | 2,670
Hairy girl summer in full effect. #canitouchit
11,887 Likes | 1732 days ago | 353
ONE WEEK till my new special CAN I TOUCH IT? is out on @Netflix. Share this weird ass poster and use hashtag #canitouchit, and I'll choose one of you lovely humans and record your outgoing voice mail message…
25,624 Likes | 1733 days ago | 911
Ooh, do I get married at @wayfarers_chapel?! Help! I need ideas. Tag venues that can accommodate a lot of comedians and about 50 dogs ☺️
18,222 Likes | 1734 days ago | 239
Just found this picture so I’ll guess I’ll spend the rest of the day staring into space. We miss you Brody. #enjoyit
12,361 Likes | 1735 days ago | 343
My new special on Netflix drops July 30 but here’s a clip from my last HBO special where I talk about my uterus. Tag your girls stressed about their biological ⏰
20,122 Likes | 1735 days ago | 252
Summer is my bitch. #dogsofinstagram
15,803 Likes | 1736 days ago | 1,003
Someone recently told me “you post too many photos with animals on IG.” This video is dedicated to that person. Can you name all the animals in this video?
14,932 Likes | 1736 days ago | 566
July 30th Any guesses on why I named the special CAN I TOUCH IT? @netflixisajoke @netflix #canitouchit
4,417 Likes | 1737 days ago | 74
In this pic all I’m thinking is “do I pee on a rattle snake bite?”
13,922 Likes | 1738 days ago | 648
Okay, I’m thinking this whole technology thing has gone waaaay too far. #agechallenge
12,784 Likes | 1739 days ago | 123
Everyone I know is on vacation right now and I’m inside working like a dog, but I’m desperate to fit in so here’s me on vacation last year trying to not get sand in my uterus
8,486 Likes | 1739 days ago | 315
People keep sending me a video of a lady running like a horse and it’s starting to feel like a challenge, so, running horse lady, CHECK MATE BITCH
18,246 Likes | 1740 days ago | 506
It’s Monday and you know what that means: put on a bra and a denim jumpsuit and get your shit together. Lmk your tips on how to get through a Monday because I am struggling and I don’t take adderall.
16,647 Likes | 1740 days ago | 293
To answer your question yes I do have a sports bra with my foster Violet on it.
24,886 Likes | 1741 days ago | 371
People always ask me if there is a humane way to ride an elephant. Yes there is and I’m happy to demonstrate it for you. Thank you for the education @pawsark2000 ❤️ #athlete
17,936 Likes | 1741 days ago | 246
It’s summer and you know what that means: a bunch of outtake pix like this in our phones because where we tried so hard to be cute for the gram but then had a shame spiral for being fake as hell. Where are you taking staged pix today everyone?
23,791 Likes | 1742 days ago | 485
Spending my weekend goofing off with this handsome donkey. What are your plans for the weekend honey pies?
16,265 Likes | 1744 days ago | 232
No I was not cast in The Lion King but that won’t stop me from being in The Lion King 🦁
7,373 Likes | 1745 days ago | 357
FEMALE COMICS DON’T GET ALONG, THEY SAY, so behold my nemesis @jessimaepeluso. I love her even though she’s my mortal enemy. Who are your favorite female comics?
22,635 Likes | 1746 days ago | 1,071
#fashion
18,845 Likes | 1746 days ago | 409
My dog just schooled me in downward dog. Does your dog mock and humiliate you as much as mine does?
33,413 Likes | 1747 days ago | 1,279
Violets reaction after not seeing me for two weeks (I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING.) She has more impulse control training with @steffenbaldwin and then we will figure out the next best steps for the wrinkle dragon spaz face.
13,318 Likes | 1747 days ago | 822
Should I be rescuing bees or do we let Darwinism handle the drowning ones? Please advise.
26,169 Likes | 1748 days ago | 1,165
My lil dumbass got stung by a bee most likely and her face blew up 3 times the size it normally is. Vet gave her steroids and antihistamine shot ... anyone else go through this? How long did it take for the swelling to go down?
59,107 Likes | 1748 days ago | 1,359
How long do we think it will take for insta to take this pic down even though this doesn’t at all resemble the placement of my actual nipple? Now what @chelcielynnn??
10,741 Likes | 1749 days ago | 226
This is the weekend I vow to do all the things I have not had time to do this year. Like I finally got to visit @skydogsanctuary and meet this little dork Skye, whose mom was rescued from slaughter, and learn more about their incredible rescue work. What are your plans this weekend?
12,955 Likes | 1750 days ago | 272
For years I’ve wanted to meet and learn from the heroes at @pawsark2000. It was surreal and overwhelming to watch how they care for the elephants and humanely clicker train them so they can receive vet care. It sucks to hear, but I learned more about the aftermath of circuses, cub petting, and riding elephants. If you want to help, follow them, donate if you can and gently educate your pals. Don’t support sanctuaries who have cubs - that means there is breeding. Tag your friends who love animals 🐘
8,615 Likes | 1753 days ago | 487
I have to be squirting now? What? Is porn ruining our brains? Someone please explain this to me thanks.
24,958 Likes | 1755 days ago | 709
Thank you @girlboss for allowing me to berate young women about saving their money. What can YOU stop buying so you’ll have more money (aka freedom) when you need it? Overpriced lip balm? Bottled water? Fake “Micro pigs?”
5,780 Likes | 1755 days ago | 59
A belated bravo to @janetmock on your Netflix deal and generally reigning supreme. Please just make a million shows. 🙌🏼
39,778 Likes | 1757 days ago | 835
Banger alert. Anyone else have some good advice to get people through a tricky day?
12,185 Likes | 1758 days ago | 410
Drain-iac
14,438 Likes | 1760 days ago | 323
Weed being legal in California may not be the greatest thing In the world for my insta pix?
6,379 Likes | 1760 days ago | 49
Happy birthday to the sparkliest, funniest, giant hearted-est, talented-est, most genuine queen of unicorns the world ever did see. I love you and can’t wait to cry my head off when you’re winning your 20th EGOT. Send your love to @beaniefeldstein.
32,295 Likes | 1761 days ago | 1,336
Has porn made us all go completely insane? Tag your single girlfriends who need a heads up on what’s going on out there. #comedy #standup
22,124 Likes | 1762 days ago | 396
What it’s like to hang out with me in a nutshell
22,946 Likes | 1763 days ago | 341
Finally figured out Violets breed: unmade bed. Can you even spot her?
12,740 Likes | 1764 days ago | 213
What would you look for in a sperm donor? More ranting in this HBO special available on Hulu and HBOGo
23,652 Likes | 1764 days ago | 418
Violet got a boo boo but the upside is that her cone looks like a dress, which is giving me a lot of invention ideas #sharktank I mean you’d buy a dog dress right?
18,839 Likes | 1764 days ago | 671
Hollywood IS as glamorous as it seems y’all - can you count how many pieces of spandex it takes to allow me to function
6,128 Likes | 1765 days ago | 139
Am I the only woman who fantasizes another woman carrying my kid? Or have I taken my Handmaids Tale fandom too far? #hbo #comedy
9,048 Likes | 1765 days ago | 236
Thank you for having us @alecbaldwininsta. Can y’all name everyone in this pic? #matchgame
13,545 Likes | 1766 days ago | 483
Take a wild guess at what the question was? #matchgame
9,484 Likes | 1766 days ago | 7,410
The Fast and the Furious
15,673 Likes | 1767 days ago | 544
Anyone else feel like guys have gotten so suspicious and assume all women are gold diggers trying to trap them? Y’all watch Gone Girl one too many times?
4,679 Likes | 1768 days ago | 139
Holding or touching a lion, tiger or bear cubs is abuse. I didn’t know either until a couple of years ago, but it’s never too late to course correct and do the right thing. People keep asking what they can do to help stop this -- no need to send me more info on it — better to repost this or kindly educate your friends who don’t know yet. In my heart of hearts I believe people would never do it if they knew how horrific it is for the mother and cubs (And if I’m wrong about that I’m going to slowly walk into the ocean.) Thank you for the education @lionstigers_andbears and for saving the animals who survive it. Also highly recommend the latest @natashaldaly piece on wildlife tourism for @natgeo, which is a great way to learn about the nightmare that goes into a selfie with an exotic animal. Let’s show the next generation not to abuse entities with less power than them shall we?
7,293 Likes | 1768 days ago | 48
Dream show with dream cast with dream director @theoriginalbigdaddy. Thank you @lisakudrow and @josietotah for being such #GoodPeople
16,012 Likes | 1769 days ago | 269
Happy Fathers Day to my real dad @papa_het_ ❤️ what are your Fathers Day plans everyone?
8,230 Likes | 1770 days ago | 178
What is the item from back in the day you refuse to let go of? Mine is probably my personality #HBO #comedy
7,374 Likes | 1771 days ago | 153
I can’t believe there’s a pill I don’t want to take - and as always let me know if there’s any contraceptive I have not given notes on #HBO #comedy
17,171 Likes | 1772 days ago | 571
Self-promotion has gotten so constant and embarrassing that it’s literally come to this...but today is the day I finally get to announce that my new stand up special is called CAN I TOUCH IT? and it streams on @netflixisajoke JULY 30. What topics do you think I CAN touch?
4,973 Likes | 1772 days ago | 80
Hollywood glamour. What do you think this show I’m doing with @theoriginalbigdaddy is about?
18,683 Likes | 1773 days ago | 1,330
Should I get married in the woods? Is this who i am? Please Instagram followers, plan my wedding! Tag places you think I’d like! I need all the help I can get because I love the idea of doing it at a pig farm — so please guide me to sanity so I don’t lose too many friends. Do i go to #weddinginspo or #moneydrain ?
6,756 Likes | 1774 days ago | 283
Birth control methods are my eternal nemesis. What’s your least favorite in case I have more I’m missing that need to be attacked? #HBO #comedy
13,255 Likes | 1774 days ago | 355
Since Violet is basically feral she uses her mouth a lot (she was taken from her mother too young - a lot of crappy breeders do this) it’s freakin cute but the training to teach her boundaries and manners has begun....Training a dog is a great way to find out what YOU need to work on yourself so let the random bouts of rage and impatience and perfectionism begin
7,816 Likes | 1774 days ago | 582
I always had this theory! Did anyone else think this??? @livekindlyco
44,904 Likes | 1775 days ago | 1,050
Violet went from being on the euthanasia list at a shelter to driving a Tesla - maybe anything is possible #adoptdontshop
14,445 Likes | 1776 days ago | 276
#nationalbestfriendday (wait is this cute or sad?)
7,126 Likes | 1776 days ago | 57
I know my smile is corny but I have my dream cast @ianmharding @tasha4realsmith ❤️ why aren’t you in this pic @theoriginalbigdaddy?
16,158 Likes | 1776 days ago | 187
When I tried to convince @lisakudrow to do more insta stories she won comedy
7,433 Likes | 1777 days ago | 190
Am I the only other person who wants someone else to have their child for them?
14,815 Likes | 1778 days ago | 2,428
The senate? NASCAR? The line outside Chick-Fil-A?
1,420 Likes | 1779 days ago | 20
I can NOT wait to work with you @tasha4realsmith! ❤️
3,816 Likes | 1779 days ago | 142
Thank you @the_fakening for understanding that I’ve always been this woman
7,101 Likes | 1779 days ago | 66
I’m deceased.
3,107 Likes | 1780 days ago | 58
Heaven is a place on earth. 👏 @josietotah
35,177 Likes | 1781 days ago | 2,112
I’m feeling like I’m not in control of most things in my life right now and you know what that means: I want to go blonde so I feel like something went as planned. Good idea? Or do I look like I have jaundice?
29,559 Likes | 1781 days ago | 599
Shit. Am I just this person now? I swear I’ll try and have a kid or something soon
14,718 Likes | 1781 days ago | 249
West coast: this mini polar bear Gustavo is available for adoption! Humans trashed the first couple years of his life but now he’s ready to be someone’s higher power. Reach out to @hitlivingfoundation for more info and an application ❤️ please someone take him because I’m above the legal limit
9,177 Likes | 1782 days ago | 198
Joe the pig update. He’s pig AF at @centraltexaspigrescue. How many pounds do you think he weighs now? (When I found him he was 5!)
1,917 Likes | 1783 days ago | 63
This perfectly sums up what happens when I see someone holding a lion, tiger or bear cub on Instagram 😡 what makes you snap into “fight or flight?”
9,239 Likes | 1785 days ago | 853
I don’t even know what this is but feels like the right way to start the day (also this is me at @centraltexaspigrescue)
6,013 Likes | 1785 days ago | 79
My precious @gabby3shabby (not sure why I decided to wear blue eyeliner which liquidated into raccoon eyes)
21,341 Likes | 1786 days ago | 189
JANE! I’m in love with @lisakudrow
7,389 Likes | 1787 days ago | 313
Regram @realnickswardson @thedanacarvey. Name this sitcom even though I’m very afraid to hear your answers.
30,746 Likes | 1788 days ago | 928
Let’s see how this appointment ends. Freeze more eggs? Freeze embryos? Cry forever?
21,408 Likes | 1789 days ago | 951
Which emoji best describes your inner monologue today?
5,961 Likes | 1790 days ago | 128
This dude taught me about patience, pride, and tranquility so it’s ironic I’m posting here since insta tries my patience, corrodes my pride, and steals my tranquilly but here goes
19,040 Likes | 1791 days ago | 21,205
The Good Place.
13,769 Likes | 1792 days ago | 313
#fbf that time I got my ear bit off like a moron
18,329 Likes | 1792 days ago | 487
My fiancée just texted me this. Are we still together?
10,325 Likes | 1793 days ago | 259
🤯🤯🤯
7,372 Likes | 1794 days ago | 157
Dead.
10,585 Likes | 1794 days ago | 529
Baba-book-y! Y’all don’t need me to tell you this but if you don’t get this @sternshow book I guess you just hate being fascinated and entertained. Has anyone read it yet? I can not wait.
26,388 Likes | 1795 days ago | 483
Dreams can come true ⭐️
11,579 Likes | 1796 days ago | 221
For those of you asking about Joe - he’s now fifty lbs and happy as a pig in shit at @centraltexaspigrescue - swipe for his “before” pic and cut it out with the “micro pig” myth, which is actually just greedy breeders starving pigs so they’ll stay small because it’s trendy. Don’t make me snap and come for you - I’m long overdue for a manic episode 🤗
20,759 Likes | 1796 days ago | 227
I’ve known @thejennwithin since the first year I moved to LA. She knows all my secrets and where all the bodies are buried but that’s NOT the only reason I love her. Thank you for being a friend, golden girl.
13,812 Likes | 1798 days ago | 158
We love you @busyphilipps, a true girls girl who knows women don’t have to compete with each other to succeed. When one of us rises, we all rise, and everybody wins. ❤️ @lindacardellini @thejennwithin and Michelle.
11,457 Likes | 1799 days ago | 85
HEY GUYS - tonight is the finale (at least on E!) of @busyphilipps show and we all showed up to celebrate her, but mostly made her cry. @lindacardellini @thejennwithin @christabmiller see you at the premiere episode of her next show very soon. ❤️
3,758 Likes | 1799 days ago | 52
Thank you @charlotteslawrence for teaching me how to be an influencer
7,707 Likes | 1799 days ago | 187
This woman is my friend but frankly I’m also a fan which makes our dynamic weird, but I urge you to watch the finale of @betterthingsfx with the multi-brilliant @pamelaadlon. Her show is honest and funny and inspiring and healing and all the things we need right now. ❤️
35,988 Likes | 1800 days ago | 1,969
@aclu_nationwide
31,388 Likes | 1800 days ago | 820
Me in a nutshell
11,729 Likes | 1801 days ago | 456
It 15 years of dating but now when I ask my dude “what are you thinking about?” and he says “nothing” I finally believe him.
18,213 Likes | 1801 days ago | 355
Violet is so psyched to be rescued she’s casually enjoying a cigar
3,986 Likes | 1802 days ago | 65
Always a blast performing in Texas. Salt of the earth people who understand what I’m talking about when I complain about Okra. Always exciting to get to wear my plaid shirts and cowboy boots in peace. Thank you @kaabootexas fest for having me 🌵
6,745 Likes | 1804 days ago | 86
Of course I ran into @joshdallas on the way to actual Dallas. Congrats on a season 2 pick up @nbcmanifest 💜 and happy Mother’s Day to his wife, my bestie, Ginny Goodwin! Thank you for being the best mom to me.
22,671 Likes | 1804 days ago | 429
I am moving to a place with LAND so if you thought I had too many animals now, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Buckle UP.
3,138 Likes | 1805 days ago | 110
What show was I watching in the bathtub last night that got me this excited? Hint: there’s a villain in it
16,559 Likes | 1805 days ago | 644
in a land of Carries and Samantha’s, sometimes you gotta go full on Natasha. I’ll favorite anyone’s comment who actually gets this. #fbf #thegentlewoman 📷: @milanzrnic
13,664 Likes | 1806 days ago | 329
There’s never not a guy in shorts at my shows. I’ve had to stop all 4 of my special tapings to talk through my feelings about it.
9,810 Likes | 1807 days ago | 355
Haters will say it’s photoshop
29,472 Likes | 1809 days ago | 696
I feel like I’m the only person who took the “camp” theme seriously at the #metgala ( 📷 @theabbot)
10,720 Likes | 1809 days ago | 125
How I feel after blocking someone on Instagram. Bravo @theebillyporter #metgala
10,773 Likes | 1809 days ago | 126
On our way to the Mutt Gala #metgala
12,941 Likes | 1811 days ago | 428
The “she’s my friend” excuse must be working on some of y’all be because it’s out in the streets alive and well - has anyone else been through this?
4,561 Likes | 1811 days ago | 49
One step closer to fulfilling my personal dream of having @kyledunnigan1 become a centaur
36,522 Likes | 1812 days ago | 1,091
This tiny velvet wrinkle dragon is still available for adoption. You’re going to have to pry her from my bloody hands, but if you’re a good home, we will get through this without any major injuries. And I’ll be visiting her daily. Applications taken via the @istandwithmypack site. Tag your friends who are good doggo parents ❤️
39,701 Likes | 1813 days ago | 1,901
Are guys into strong women yes or no (Also this HBO special is now on HULU 😊)
9,155 Likes | 1814 days ago | 218
This is what happens when I’m left to my own devices and do my own hair and make up and dress myself and frankly I’m feeling pretty good about it. Always psyched to support @thejaneclub, a workspace for moms, spearheaded by the visionary @junediane.
1,300 Likes | 1816 days ago | 30
Vegas, be there soon at the @orleanscasino.
2,349 Likes | 1817 days ago | 80
Now that weed is legal in California my posts are going to start going in this direction #beauty
15,095 Likes | 1818 days ago | 185
When I got him he looked like a garbage bag and he now has a punk rock as hell mohawk. Thank you for letting Joe frolic in your Narnia for pigs @centraltexaspigrescue #rescue
13,517 Likes | 1818 days ago | 221
Will photos like this get me a lifestyle brand? Should I include details on what sunscreen I use?
21,005 Likes | 1819 days ago | 719
Have you ever done something completely sane and been called crazy anyway? 🤦🏻♀️ #standupcomedy
29,834 Likes | 1820 days ago | 774
I love hanging out with my foster Violet because she makes me look young af 👶 tag someone who you think would be a good human for this weird seal #adoptdontshop #sharpei #rescuedog
13,056 Likes | 1821 days ago | 366
Violets first time on a couch didn’t go as planned 💔 @istandwithmypack hat by @commentsbycelebs #sharpei #rescuedog
26,722 Likes | 1822 days ago | 1,270
Violets first car ride went well but I think she will deduct some stars for the Uber driver touching her face @istandwithmypack
22,200 Likes | 1823 days ago | 621
Me Before/after meditating. Her story is on @istandwithmypack #sharpei #rescuedog
32,966 Likes | 1823 days ago | 1,554
Well that was fast. 24 hours ago my foster Violet was terrified of me and now she’s demanding I stop watching Killing Eve @istandwithmypack
15,192 Likes | 1823 days ago | 222
Forgot to post this on 4:20 because it was 4:20 and maybe I was celebrating too hard as you can tell by my face
25,506 Likes | 1824 days ago | 1,420
This alien is in my house. Thanks @istandwithmypack for saving her from being euthanized and giving me the opportunity to foster her. Her name is Violet and I will do everything in my power to try and not eat her jowl flaps but I’m not promising anything. Guesses on what she is? Shar Pei and something?
20,399 Likes | 1824 days ago | 266
My Easter bunny is an asshole. What are your Easter plans? #happyeaster #adoptdontshop
7,023 Likes | 1825 days ago | 270
Insecurity is learned 🤦🏻♀️ more on that at @clusterfest in San Francisco in June. #standupcomedy
2,158 Likes | 1825 days ago | 50
Texas. Be there soon. My moms family is from Sherman, Texas, so anyone who works at the Piggly Wiggly I used to shoplift from, come through and I’ll apologize in person. Whose coming?
12,976 Likes | 1826 days ago | 491
I love Hooters because it’s a restaurant that ultimately just loves to celebrate Owls. Your move, Dicks Sporting Goods.
3,202 Likes | 1827 days ago | 85
Can you guess the bear pun I wanted to use in this caption? And yes I picked this song @lionstigers_andbears
10,584 Likes | 1828 days ago | 108
Living for the new @hourglasscosmetics ads and am very insulted they didn’t ask me to be the model for it. I would have been great as this horse.
9,942 Likes | 1828 days ago | 394
For people asking how Joe is doing. You tell me. @centraltexaspigrescue 🐷
5,439 Likes | 1830 days ago | 208
Hey @sophiaamoruso is this what y’all mean by #girlboss? What’s your on the go time saving trick because I need help clearly
7,404 Likes | 1831 days ago | 527
When I check my DMs from strangers I get things like this so maybe you write the caption because I’m at a loss.
5,181 Likes | 1831 days ago | 317
A person who has never seen GOT trying to exist in the world. (Possible spoilers in this video if you are not up to date on the show - do not come at me you psycho) #GOT
552 Likes | 1831 days ago | 35
LAS VEGAS. I’ll be there next month. Who is coming and what else should I do while I’m there that won’t ruin my liver or relationship?
17,328 Likes | 1832 days ago | 195
Please like this pic so we can prove that you can get likes and attention on social media without abusing animals 🙂 we can get a #humaneselfie Instead of patronizing places that abuse animals so you can get a photo. Check my story/link in my bio for a great piece just written by @rebexxxxa about the sketch ball weirdos that offer this service. Sure if you care/can. Touching apex predators is no bueno. We don’t need to abuse tigers and lions for our entertainment. We aren’t Ancient Rome right? Right?! And send me your #humaneselfie 👍🏼
11,761 Likes | 1833 days ago | 353
What is the ideal age to have a kid? Need serious life advice thanks. ⏰
6,396 Likes | 1833 days ago | 81
#fbf when @busyphilipps and @michellemonaghan made my dreams come true by giving me a sexy dance from a hot centaur on @busytonighttv🐴
8,292 Likes | 1834 days ago | 244
Advice for women in their 20s? (That I will probably still need in my 30s)
3,699 Likes | 1835 days ago | 44
#tbt when I was humbled by these straight up miraculous butes @tessholliday and @tracelysette 🙌🏼
4,251 Likes | 1835 days ago | 31
Trust me, you’re gonna want to watch @busytonighttv tonight on E! @busyphilipps and @michellemonaghan threw me a bachelorette party and I learned a LOT about crotchless panties.
6,672 Likes | 1835 days ago | 169
#wcw the wildly talented @rheaseehorn. Right now she’s literally on all your favorite shows: Better Caul Saul, Veep, and Twilight Zone. I’ve had the orgasmic pleasure of writing for her and it’s a damn treat watching her shine her tush off. What’s your favorite character she’s played?
14,106 Likes | 1836 days ago | 302
Tomorrow night I am on @busytonighttv with @busyphilipps and @michellemonaghan doing what?
12,452 Likes | 1837 days ago | 202
They’re not drugged up tiger or bear clubs ripped from their moms for selfie tourism but we’re still pretty damn cute right? Let’s show that a #humaneselfie can get likes too ❤️
12,009 Likes | 1838 days ago | 595
I know a lot of influencers do make-up tutorials, but I have no clue how to do make-up, so I guess you’ll have to settle for me using free samples in Whole Foods, because I am very good at that. Am I the only person who does this?
7,498 Likes | 1839 days ago | 94
Shooting fan art posters for @schittscreek. @instadanjlevy I can totally photoshop you somewhere if you insist on being in it
1,700 Likes | 1839 days ago | 55
The Female Brain is now available in all digital platforms in Latin America, but is called “The Chemistry of Love” which I very much approve of. Thank you @filmmelierbr @filmmeliermx! So cool. Enjoy the wildly hilarious talents of @sofiavergara @blakegriffin23 @deoncole @beaniefeldstein @bensplatt @nealbrennan @james_marsden @cecilystrong #thefemalebrain #aquimicadoamor
9,387 Likes | 1840 days ago | 223
Am I the only one who feels talked down to with their birth control?
4,679 Likes | 1840 days ago | 371
Cohabitation in a nutshell. What else do I have to look forward to?
21,832 Likes | 1840 days ago | 292
#fbf to when @chrisdelia would go to fake weddings together
3,362 Likes | 1842 days ago | 91
If y’all know me at all you know I’m constantly working on not saying sorry all the time. I’m a big fan of apologizing if you’ve done something shitty, but not if it’s for your general existence. Has anyone done the 30 day no apologizing challenge? I’m gonna try again starting today and thank you @msrachelhollis for this necklace which will correct me when I slip and I can’t wait to read your book and further re wire my brain. Best shirt ever by the genius @kevingchristy
28,490 Likes | 1843 days ago | 712
Just me? What’s your definition of love? I need a new, healthier one.
3,349 Likes | 1844 days ago | 89
You ever think you were in love then realize the person just smelled really good? Thanks neurology for tricking me so much in my 20s.
29,772 Likes | 1845 days ago | 277
This may come as a shock to you, but Hollywood is a creepy ass haunted house of a place. By a stroke of dumb luck @tophergrace has been a light in life since I was a 23 year old ignoramus. You already know he’s hilarious and wildly talented but he’s also incredibly smart and kind, and from day one he showed me that you can make it in this business and not be a sociopathic dickhead. He truly is one of my role modes as an artist and as a human and now he’s given me another thing to be jealous of: his new podcast called @minoradventures, which you should listen to ASAP. He made me take a lie detector test and I’m still dehydrated from how much I was sweating. Enjoy your new favorite show! 🥰
12,637 Likes | 1846 days ago | 247
This is what a humane selfie with an animal looks like. I know this alien isn’t as sexy as a lion, tiger, or bear cub, but touching those animals involves abuse such as declawing, drugging, and prematurely taking the cub from its mother, which involves abuse for both animals. I just recently learned all this stuff, and am ashamed that I didn’t know sooner and swiped right on more than one guy on a dating app whose profile pic was posing with a tiger. Major whoops. 🤦🏻♀️ #humaneselfie (thank you for patiently educating me @lionstigers_andbears and @pawsark2000)
14,338 Likes | 1847 days ago | 139
Thank you @jameelajamilofficial for being the real deal, walking the walk, and always telling me to shut the fack up when I self-deprecate or bully myself. I sure wish @i_weigh existed when I was 19 and my hair was falling out because I only ate Diet Coke to try and look like Kate Moss
17,706 Likes | 1848 days ago | 340
I got to meet @hothusband_ and @celestebarber was very cool about my idea for us to become a Mormon family
3,881 Likes | 1849 days ago | 92
Your guess is as good as mine in terms of why this is so funny to me
3,193 Likes | 1851 days ago | 50
I went hiking with the great @kevinnealon and it was a walk in the park except when the drone almost concussed me. On YouTube.
6,103 Likes | 1852 days ago | 109
Voila my big attempt at an influencer pose, which actually hurt my neck. Thank you @whotels for putting up with my incessant need for cashews, for making sure our crew was rested hydrated, and for naming your hotels after me.
27,259 Likes | 1853 days ago | 682
Me in a nutshell
4,228 Likes | 1853 days ago | 120
I put music under this video so spreading intel about animal abuse could be FUN and jaunty. Please don’t ride elephants or go to the circus - you’d be the coolest and auntie Whit could actually sleep 8 hours. I rode elephants years ago before I knew, but now that I have been educated about how awful it is, it feels sociopathic to not fight for these guys. I can’t wait to meet this dude @pawsark2000 which is a legit sanctuary. Share with your pals who may not know (because I didn’t and wish someone told me sooner) and unfollow the sketchy ass fake sanctuaries ❤️🐘 #elephant
4,341 Likes | 1855 days ago | 165
The floods in Nebraska are devastating. A friend of mine is personally going to help so if you can donate even a dollar or even repost the info, that will help. Link in my stories. Please tag anyone who could help, share, or share intel.
4,604 Likes | 1856 days ago | 147
Is this a crazy idea? I’m even tempted to send an invoice for the money I spent on grooming myself while in a relationship.🧾
7,970 Likes | 1857 days ago | 140
Here’s a first look at my cover shoot for Way Too Much Magazine. JK. 🙌🏼 to the unstoppable, gracious, and everything @iisuperwomanii for getting badass women together to @spreadgirllove #GirlLove 📷 @g.banga 🐅 @tarajarmon
2,469 Likes | 1857 days ago | 85
Happy Birthday @theovon. Send him all the love you got and go see him live because he’s ridiculously funny, works his ass off, and deserves all that cash. Not sure how I got in this video but I do love being animated with the fam @wilfredburr @madflavors_world
5,147 Likes | 1858 days ago | 113
5 days till I shoot my special in DC at Sidney Harman Hall. I’m excited. Mostly for how people will photoshop this picture.
1,662 Likes | 1859 days ago | 54
I’ll be performing in San Francisco in June at Clusterfest. Tag your NorCal friends and lmk any legit sanctuaries that are close so I can visit. I’m dying to go to @pawsark2000 🐘 has anyone been?
9,543 Likes | 1860 days ago | 374
This is what the fake “micro” and “teacup” pig breeders don’t show you in their feeds: the aftermath of what happens to starved pigs who have chronic pneumonia, scarring on their lungs and leg deformities due to malnutrition. I realize this isn’t as cute as a pig in a basket but it’s a video from when Joe’s temperature rose to 102 every time I fed him because he didn’t have any muscles to digest and his body would overheat due to the pneumonia. Every time I fed him I just had to sit there and hope he didn’t die. I don’t know how or why this cause fell into my lap, but if you want to help, stop following fake “teacup/micropig” feeds or feeds that post them, donate or post about @centraltexaspigrescue. Tag people who want tiny pigs so they can see and learn that they just don’t exist so they don’t get conned by psychos. @livingwithpickles
1,903 Likes | 1860 days ago | 75
Just had a manic break NBD also what is this toy? Just so I know what’s going to kill me in my sleep
14,131 Likes | 1861 days ago | 486
And this is why I went off the pill. Did this happen to anyone else? Tag your girlfriends who are on the pill so they know 🤦🏻♀️💊 #comedy #standup
10,184 Likes | 1862 days ago | 209
I’m glad doing stand up was on Will Smith’s bucket list because seeing Will Smith do stand up was on my bucket list. Thank you for making both of our dreams a reality @willsmith @willsmithsbucketlist. What’s on your bucket list so I can learn what healthy people enjoy.
3,599 Likes | 1863 days ago | 47
#tbt When Joe got to party with @nickkroll and @busyphilipps on @busytonighttv. Joe is a royal diva now so @centraltexaspigrescue figured out that transporting him via baby stroller made the most sense given his ego. Do pig strollers exist? If not I’m calling Shark Tank. What do you think Joe is thinking?!
2,945 Likes | 1864 days ago | 144
Being able to sense danger doesn’t mean you’re “crazy” or “dramatic.” It’s a skill that came in very handy back in the day and frankly I think it’s some superhero shit. I have crazy good hearing so I have a feeling my ancestors were in deep shit all the time. What’s your superpower?
9,984 Likes | 1864 days ago | 430
When I rescued this dude I figured I’d keep his name since I wanted him to feel regal, but I always fantasize about what I’d name him if it wasn’t King. What would it be? Marty? Goose? Cub?
17,235 Likes | 1865 days ago | 668
I was fired once from a TV pilot for being “too shrill.” That was the feedback from the producers verbatim. I was also told to go blonde to “soften my personality.” What notes have you gotten on your personality you’d rather not take? Bravo @aidybryant @thelindywest @elizabethbanks @hulu I loved this book and can’t wait to see the show.
26,251 Likes | 1866 days ago | 720
I don’t think paparazzi cares much about me and I never notice them and they probably think I’m someone else but when I do see paparazzi pix it mostly reminds me of all the sunglasses I’ve lost. Totally forgot I even had these and now I’m pissed.
11,014 Likes | 1868 days ago | 575
This post-Robyn concert E train afterparty is strengthening my tired ass heart. @robynkonichiwa posted it, but if you took the video please tell me. Has anyone seen Robyn live? It’s 🔥! Tag your Robyn fan pals!
2,634 Likes | 1868 days ago | 46
Just an #internationalwomensday shout out on to all the women who have supported me throughout the years, have come to my shows, convinced their boyfriends and husbands to come along, been tolerant of my imperfections and maturation process. Thank you if you bought my book or watched The Female Brain. I do it all for you. I love meeting audience members after shows. May we all be as creative and ambitious as this kiddo. 🥰 This would be a great 2 Broke Girls episode!
32,360 Likes | 1868 days ago | 1,945
Thank you @amysedaris for nailing how to celebrate #internationalwomensday
1,683 Likes | 1869 days ago | 39
Charlotte, NC is ready to shoot the #twobrokegirls reboot and I am here for it. What should happen if we did more episodes?! ❤️🧡❤️💛 #internationalwomensday
10,902 Likes | 1869 days ago | 393
I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING. Thank you @thedodo for making this. And thank you @livingwithpickles for being such a good big brother to Joe! Thank you @centraltexaspigrescue for taking in so many pigs who were starved to be fake “micro” and “teacup” pigs. If you want to help, simply unfollow Instagram accounts glamorizing tiny pigs and don’t let breeders con you into believing tiny pigs exist.
1,297 Likes | 1869 days ago | 44
#Clusterfest is going to be bananas this year. Can’t wait SF. Who is coming? Tag your NorCal pals 💘
3,494 Likes | 1870 days ago | 80
Fair enough, genius photo shopper. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
4,000 Likes | 1870 days ago | 137
What show should @tracelysette @tessholliday and I reboot? Charmed? Charlie’s Angels? Cheaters?
18,401 Likes | 1872 days ago | 628
There is no such thing as a #micropig or a #teacup pig. Stop pissing me off. If you breed and starve animals, lie to people and sell them for 5 grand (Liam Neeson voice) I have a very specific set of skills. I will find you and I will blast you.
6,933 Likes | 1872 days ago | 151
Finally found my permanent lewk. Thank you @nanushka for getting me. Can I use this fabric for my wedding dress? 💃🏻@nschneiderstyle 💎 @apmmonaco @rockandrawjewellery 👠 @cultofcoquette
5,686 Likes | 1872 days ago | 36
Thank you to the angel @nikkireed and diva pig @livingwithpickles for supporting much needed animal welfare legislation spearheaded by @animalhopeandwellness. And thank you to my therapist and 12 step program for giving me the self esteem to wear this brazen ensemble by @nanushka and @cultofcoquette @rockandrawjewellery @apmmonaco ❤️ dream team @nschneiderstyle @drtn @kathleenkarridene thank you for the 📷 @jenloweryphoto. Some video from the show in my stories 😇
7,968 Likes | 1873 days ago | 191
Beauty bloggers are in a panic because I just discovered cream blush (seriously - can this product only be used by skilled painters?)
4,095 Likes | 1873 days ago | 100
SWIPE for slide show 🐯 Today is #worldwildlifeday and people have been asking if I’m gonna post something. I post wildlife every day so I thought I would do an educational post with slides about something I didn’t know until recently that really broke my heart. If you see a white tiger, chances are it’s bad news and you’re not at an accredited sanctuary, since real sanctuaries don’t breed or let people touch the animals. Apex predators should not be trophies, party favors, toys, gifts for your kids, or used solely for selfies. We are better than that, humans. Swipe for the slide show about white tigers come about. Thank you @lionstigers_andbears for providing legit sanctuary for so many abused #whitetigers
2,115 Likes | 1874 days ago | 71
Has anyone ever met someone with their same name and birthday? Is this who has been making those weird charges on my credit card?
27,688 Likes | 1874 days ago | 467
OMG I got to meet insta star @picassothewonkyandwacku in Eugene, Oregon and I’m trying to not freak out. Thank you @luvabledogrescue for bringing him to meet me and for all the incredible work you do. ❤️these 🦷
7,888 Likes | 1874 days ago | 528
Caption contest.
7,480 Likes | 1875 days ago | 367
I didn’t know Idaho was extra as hell. Has anyone ever seen a bathtub do this?! I’m shaken to my core.
3,961 Likes | 1875 days ago | 53
🤦🏻♀️you know you love people when you are down to post a photo where they are flawless and you look like a shiny jellyfish ❤️ @tessholliday @jameelajamilofficial are made of gold.
6,590 Likes | 1876 days ago | 257
Name this sitcom
3,100 Likes | 1877 days ago | 51
My episode of Hiking with Kevin is up now on YouTube. Do not be fooled by his slick editing movies. Most of this show is watching @kevinnealon troubleshoot audio.
2,494 Likes | 1877 days ago | 46
This Sunday in LA I’ll be hosting an event for @animalhopeandwellness to honor some serious badasses. And @livingwithpickles will be there. Come if you can leave your foster dog long enough without having a panic attack. @moby @theshando @aliciasilverstone @livingwithpickles @jillianmichaels
1,896 Likes | 1877 days ago | 63
D.C. I’m shooting my next special there soon. Who is coming and dressing totally appropriately to be on camera?
4,687 Likes | 1877 days ago | 242
Woke up to coyote shit on my front doorstep and it was clearly planned and personal. If this coyote doesn’t watch out I’ll straight up domesticate a bitch.
24,804 Likes | 1878 days ago | 669
I love performing at Red Rocks in Denver with all my heart. Is it the best venue in America? If not, what is? Plotting a scheme and need some help 😊
38,252 Likes | 1878 days ago | 279
Couple goals forever. God I love @benjyfalcone and @melissamccarthy 👏
14,532 Likes | 1878 days ago | 370
Joe update: he’s turning into a full on pig. Thank you @centraltexaspigrescue for taking such good care of him while I’m on tour. And 🖕 to all y’all sociopaths out there starving pigs to keep them small. I didn’t know micro pigs didn’t exist until this dumbo waddled into my life but now that we all know let’s do the cool thing and stop being silly gooses.
15,237 Likes | 1879 days ago | 454
One of my dearest friends is a big fancy stylist as you can tell by this lewk. Wait is he pranking me? ❤️ @robzangardi
8,456 Likes | 1879 days ago | 138
Monday mornings = fake as hell smiles
28,994 Likes | 1880 days ago | 460
That time when I wasn’t touring and was actually in town for the @vanityfair Oscar party. I hope the eyeliner is distracting you from the paralyzing fear in my eyes.
6,326 Likes | 1880 days ago | 59
Me yelling some nonsense while Brody emits some POSITIVE ENERGY. Thank you for the pic @morgan_murphy.
7,165 Likes | 1880 days ago | 211
Per usual on my bullshit about our primordial brains not evolving fast enough to keep up with modern technology 🤦🏻♀️
10,792 Likes | 1881 days ago | 491
I make gratitude lists every day to get my mind clear but today has been rough so I’m focusing on the small things I usually take for granted like vintage sweatshirts and tiny hearts. What are the small things you’re grateful for? And don’t say pigs because they aren’t small 😉
2,969 Likes | 1881 days ago | 131
Final shows before I shoot the Netflix special in DC. Who is coming and how many dogs are you bringing?
14,632 Likes | 1882 days ago | 124
Thank you @danlevyshow for this horrible pic of us surrounding Brody. I guess the last thing I’ll say is that when you’re a comic, you’ve heard so many jokes that it’s hard to really belly laugh anymore. @brodyismefriend made numb comedians laugh the way non-comedians get to laugh and it was just such a gift. When Brody went on, comics would rush in to watch him. I’d hear people in the hallway yell “Brody’s on!” And you’d go catch whatever you could because every Brody performance was special and different and original and surprising. I just hope he knew how much we loved him.
16,959 Likes | 1882 days ago | 339
I’m gonna miss this smile so much. @brodyismefriend was a true friend. Nobody was nicer to me from the very beginning. A true original. Rest In Peace. We will miss you so much. Anything i write in this caption is stupid. #enjoyit
10,037 Likes | 1882 days ago | 271
I love you so much @brodyismefriend. My heart is shattered.
14,535 Likes | 1882 days ago | 168
#Fbf to when @terrycrews had a good beard and I had a good bra.
6,170 Likes | 1883 days ago | 135
This is a lion named Bakari yelling at me because I’m posing for a photo instead of feeding him so I almost 💩 my 👖thank you @lionstigers_andbears for educating me on the plight of exotics. For everyone interested please watch the video on their website if you want to learn about the exotic animal exploitation trade, which has been exacerbated by selfie culture. There was so much I’m ashamed to say I didn’t know. You can donate on their site, PayPal, Linktree, etc. or you can share their videos and feed which totally counts as donating via awareness! Or comment with other great resources and organizations I should research. 🐻🐯🦁
11,850 Likes | 1883 days ago | 111
#tbt I miss the Maldives but don’t miss this bike seat in my uterus. I’m glad I got to go before it’s gone due to rising waters 🤦🏻♀️The heavenly place we went caught on fire recently so sending love to the staff as you rebuild. I ❤️ you @gili.lankanfushi
2,426 Likes | 1884 days ago | 84
It’s hard to not respect the audacity with which this burglar worked around the Ring app. Going through Ring videos is my new favorite hobby because some criminals have a hilarious amount of panache. Points for aplomb, you psycho.
4,124 Likes | 1884 days ago | 59
For some reason I was lucky enough to meet Rupert a month before he passed. Thank you @boochaces for saving him and fighting so hard for him for so long. I’m starting to think all we can really ask in this life is that someone not give up on us and thank you Caitlin for being the not-givingest-up person I know. Rupert was a magical medicinal beast and we should all be so lucky to have a real life Star Wars character in our family.
4,762 Likes | 1885 days ago | 69
Glow Season 3 is shaping up nicely! Thanks for adding me and @tessholliday to the cast @jackietohn. 🖤 @vanityfair sorry I wore a horse sweater to your party.
6,495 Likes | 1885 days ago | 456
Thank you @troyconrads for always taking rad pix that show how terrifying stand up is. I hope I get to see y’all at shows before I shoot my next special March 22 and 23 in DC. Then mommy needs a nap in these mom jeans. What cities do I need to come to on my summer tour?
4,397 Likes | 1885 days ago | 198
Getting ready for my Netflix special taping by preparing to take on hi-def cameras and their desire to magnify nose hair. I just want to make sure y’all are at least laughing at the right thing. Dare ya @steveo
10,160 Likes | 1886 days ago | 402
Today I got to visit an accredited exotic animal sanctuary called @lionstigers_andbears outside of San Diego. Exotic animal ownership/breeding is a critical problem and they are one of the few real sanctuaries trying to solve it. I’m learning so much and unfortunately it’s heart breaking. In America, the exotic animal trade is a 20 billion dollar industry. If you’re taking a selfie with a baby exotic animal, chances are it’s future is bleak. No accredited sanctuaries or zoos allow human contact with apex predators. At accredited sanctuaries you can get your selfie without contributing to animal abuse. To find legit sanctuaries check out SanctuaryFederation.Org ❤️ i
13,931 Likes | 1887 days ago | 322
I never posted this video because I thought my pants looked too crazy but who cares - this is the first time Joe got to walk on dirt and learn to root around. He was so used to me picking him up to take him to the vet to get impaled by needles that he was suspicious, but once he hit the dirt he was in heaven. I miss my little dumbo but I am so relieved he’s at @centraltexaspigrescue while I’m on tour. 🐽
10,193 Likes | 1887 days ago | 195
If you make me sign your @chrisdelia shirt I will handle it like a mature adult for sure
1,625 Likes | 1887 days ago | 51
We added a third taping in DC in March 22nd. Who is coming? Again, it’s a Netflix taping and you may be on camera so please no shirts with logos (leave the Axe swag at home), Ross Perot hats, and no facial hair you’ll regret when you see yourself in the special. Link in bio because I guess that’s how we do this now.
8,066 Likes | 1888 days ago | 164
Everyone asks how I survive touring as much as I do and the answer is 1) I’m not sure I will and 2) I live for ostrich pillows and I don’t know how I used to travel without them. They’re not paying me for this which is weird but I like when people share good products that make our lives a bit easier and everyone always asks me how I fly so much so now you can stop asking 👏 I’m always psyched to hear how other people travel so feel free to comment what u are into but don’t be a bully obvs
16,735 Likes | 1889 days ago | 573
Guys complaining after Valentine’s Day that you spent too much money, been there dude.
7,021 Likes | 1889 days ago | 214
This season 3 set video is giving me major wedding inspo ideas. Praise be @kareneramsey for posting this.
6,926 Likes | 1889 days ago | 177
Someone said I couldn’t make it to the top of this snow mound. Jokes on them because I’m a formidable athlete
6,464 Likes | 1890 days ago | 463
It’s been an honor sharing airports with all you people for the past 5 months, but sadly my tour will be ending soon. Boise, Eugene, Charlotte and a third show in DC was just added for March 22nd. I’ll announce some other dates after that, but for now this is the tail end. I will miss all your toe rings.
6,873 Likes | 1890 days ago | 103
Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope you get to kiss a pig! ❤️ @livingwithpickles ❤️
2,889 Likes | 1890 days ago | 67
I think it’s safe to say my fiancée nailed my Valentine’s Day gift 💝 I got him a bulldog figurine that was secretly for me so he won this round.
12,171 Likes | 1891 days ago | 754
I didn’t think I was a wedding person UNTIL NOW. Thank you @glozell for bringing this to my attention because now I can wrap my head around this tradition
5,240 Likes | 1891 days ago | 69
Thank you @bethostern for understanding me on a soul level and knowing that I don’t have nearly enough horse shirts. Coming hope to this made my day and I assure you I am never taking this off. I aspire to have as many horses in my house as you have kittens in yours. ❤️🐴 🐱
2,128 Likes | 1891 days ago | 50
My sister @katewalsh is here to solve your Valentines Day nightmare with her @boyfriendperfume. Great way to avoid a big fight tomorrow! ❤️It’s also one of the only perfumes that doesn’t give me a migraine so extra points for that.
5,042 Likes | 1891 days ago | 129
Anyone wanna help get this dumbo smoosh head out of China? Check out @slaughterhouse_survivors and give them a couple smackos 🐽 a man was selling him on the side of the road for meat and these gals grabbed him even though they usually rescue dogs from the dog meat trade. They’re my heroes.
10,269 Likes | 1892 days ago | 486
Had some people ask if I knew the Mimi role in RENT too. Don’t embarrass yourself. @rosariodawson try not to be intimidated.
9,882 Likes | 1892 days ago | 561
Taking pitches for sitcom titles 🐀 👑 @theovon
26,853 Likes | 1893 days ago | 232
Happy Birthday to the brightest ray of light in the sky. She’s not on social media because, well, she’s perfect and makes great choices but send her all your love and gratitude anyway because nobody deserves it more than this giant hearted, pure spirited magical unicorn. We love you Jen, and we are all so lucky to get to be inspired by you! 🎁❤️🙌🏼
7,994 Likes | 1894 days ago | 78
Remind me to stop doing my eyeshadow in the car on the way to The Comedy Store 🤦🏻♀️ I love you @bobbyleelive ❤️
26,006 Likes | 1894 days ago | 2,057
I’m trying to convince my fiancée to have a RENT themed wedding so I acted out all the roles for him this morning. If you are a wedding planner with experience in this type of event or someone who is interested in being cast in my broadway wedding lmk
7,229 Likes | 1894 days ago | 763
Eat a clove of garlic, they said. It will help you get over your bronchitis, they said.
1,682 Likes | 1895 days ago | 24
My last post celebrating the birth of @cecilystrong will be these two clips of her in The Female Brain where her character was struggling with balancing being disrespected at work, showing how even if some of us are wired to get dopamine when we cooperate and achieve social harmony, if someone is disrespectful enough to make our brain produce adrenaline, that goes out the damn window. So next time you lose your shit at work, just say “sorry, it wasn’t me, it was my adrenaline.” 🤷🏻♀️
6,345 Likes | 1895 days ago | 122
I was attacked by a piglet named JANET and honestly I’m starting to think I make excellent decisions in life. I miss my family at @boochaces🐽
14,624 Likes | 1896 days ago | 110
Happy birthday to the incomparable @cecilystrong. Usually we use other people’s birthdays on social media as an excuse to post flattering pictures of ourselves but I love you so much I’m picking the one where you are your flawless self and I look like I’m on quaaludes. Thank you for taking a chance and lighting up our little neurology comedy and for being the most authentic, real, loyal friend. And sorry @blakegriffin23 is in this photo stealing your thunder. For some reason I could not find a photo of us our Mormon husband was not in.
12,057 Likes | 1896 days ago | 457
It’s not often a show comes along that blows your god damn mind in a way that makes you laugh, think, feel, heal, and get a little jealous. A coven of forces of nature got together and made this radioactive unicorn of a tour-de-force piece that will tear at your brain, heart, soul and face muscles. I love this show and the women who made it. Bravo to the alchemy of @nlyonne @veryleslyeheadland @rebitcha_hendersmean @amypoehlersmartgirls 🕦(you’ll get this clock emoji if you watch the show) TELL these gals how you feel - making a show is impossible and they deserve to hear how much you love it!
7,520 Likes | 1897 days ago | 224
People say men don’t want to get married, then why is it set up so we are the ones who get so many bribes? 🤦🏻♀️
7,380 Likes | 1897 days ago | 272
#tbt to my second tattoo. Does anyone know what it is? It’s white so it’s very hard to see 🧐🖊 @bangbangnyc
1,576 Likes | 1898 days ago | 150
Home stretch. Who am I seeing in the next two months? 🙋🏻♀️
11,590 Likes | 1898 days ago | 598
I’ve been home sick for 4 days on vocal rest and this is what my life has degenerated into. I’ve tried everything for bronchitis. If you have advice please leave it in the comments because Instagram is basically my doctor at this point.
17,720 Likes | 1899 days ago | 345
JOE UPDATE: he’s the cutest little dumbass on the planet. Can you believe how healthy he looks? Thank you for the billionth time @centraltexaspigrescue for taking such good care of him while I’m on tour.
5,822 Likes | 1899 days ago | 266
Has anyone ever seen a dog sit like this? @boochaces has the best and weirdest gaggle of beasts in the land.
5,100 Likes | 1901 days ago | 140
As I’m putting together my 4th special I was looking back to make sure I’m not repeating any obvious wardrobe blunders, but I’m also noticing how mad I used to be about underwear. Tickets to my next special taping March 23 on my site.
12,462 Likes | 1902 days ago | 165
The horse to my right is named Britney Spears, so take that in. ⭐️ thank you for letting me live out the childhood I never had @boochaces
9,586 Likes | 1902 days ago | 354
Yes, I will always sign your pill bottles after a show. I am now inspired to challenge whoever is coming to the next two months of shows to bring a weirder thing for me to sign. Let’s see who is gonna level up. Who can beat Zoloft? 💊
14,364 Likes | 1902 days ago | 351
Today one of my biggest dreams came true and I got to visit one of my heroes @boochaces at Rancho Relaxo. This is me and either the creature from Dark Crystal or a 19 year old goat named Rupert. As you may know, I’m trying to visit a grass-roots real deal sanctuary/rescue that doesn’t exploit their animals in every city I tour in to help raise awareness and money for angels doing good work. Be warned: today my insta stories will have a lot of me in an unflattering hat snuggling with critters.
1,771 Likes | 1903 days ago | 77
Who else starts organizing stuff when they’re anxious? When I’m stressed out I start packing for trips two weeks away and folding bras. Thank you @cecilystrong and @blakegriffin23 for being able to make a cortisol storyline funny. The Female Brain is now on Hulu 🧠❤️
800 Likes | 1904 days ago | 48
Who is coming to my Netflix special taping in D.C in March? I promise there will be a very very big weird surprise that I may regret forever. Any guesses?
6,787 Likes | 1904 days ago | 180
I’m such a dick head at the airport - I know I clown people in my stories for taking up chairs but if it’s empty I SPRAWL and really show off my self care game. Next up Spokane, Vancouver, Boise, Eugene, Raleigh, Baltimore, D.C. then I go into rehab for “exhaustion”
3,414 Likes | 1905 days ago | 60
My dream of being on @kevinnealon show finally came true and I spent most of the time watching him fight with a GoPro and I’ve never been happier - does anyone actually know how to use a GoPro?
3,617 Likes | 1906 days ago | 60
I love you @jussiesmollett.
1,213 Likes | 1907 days ago | 84
Vancouver, I’ll be there next month at the Vogue theater. Please recommend some tourist traps thanks
8,037 Likes | 1907 days ago | 232
I broke the record for worse photo ever with the national monument! I’m returning to my home town DC to shoot my 4th stand up special March 23rd at Sidney Harman Hall. It’s a Shakespeare theater so the seating is very cool. Please don’t let this pic stop you from getting tickets.
5,176 Likes | 1908 days ago | 71
Can you tell I’m both in awe of and terrified at the same time of @alecbaldwininsta
8,266 Likes | 1908 days ago | 235
One time I got my ear bitten off but they sewed it back on and I’m FINE
911 Likes | 1909 days ago | 27
Just got off stage so now I can finally watch @amandaseales kill it on HBO - have you seen it yet?? ❤️
1,846 Likes | 1909 days ago | 64
Anyone else think they got an adrenaline addiction in the womb? 🙋🏻♀️ thank you @ifcfilms @erikaolde for letting me and @nealbrennan make a science comedy. I can now post clips of the science stuff on insta but the full movie is avail on Hulu, Amazon and iTunes 🧠
6,691 Likes | 1910 days ago | 82
#fbf to having my dreams of getting to hold a rescue bunny in a cheetah blouse all coming true on @busytonighttv 🐇
17,551 Likes | 1911 days ago | 674
This video of a dad dressing up as Elsa in frozen to dance with his son just broke my uterus IM NOT CRYING YOURE CRYING. Just found out it’s a comic named @orjanburoe - go to his page for more ❤️
1,258 Likes | 1911 days ago | 99
I will not get sick I will not get sick - if I’m ignoring you on planes for the next two months it’s because I don’t want you to sneeze your germs down my throat and make me have to cancel any shows before I tape my special so don’t take it personally. It’s not you, it’s me and my desire to not get sued by venues thanks!
3,009 Likes | 1911 days ago | 97
Thank you Windsor, Ontario. You were very awesome. Thank you for teaching me that it’s legal for women to be topless here. If y’all know me i bet you can guess what I’m saying.
4,201 Likes | 1911 days ago | 91
I think it’s safe to say Joe is doing just fine at @centraltexaspigrescue 🐽
6,450 Likes | 1912 days ago | 98
They don’t call me Bojack Horseface for nothing
4,980 Likes | 1912 days ago | 63
Today I met my actual hero @walrus_whisperer. If you really want to follow someone who is the gangster of all gangsters with fearless animal advocacy, he’s the dude. I’m very starstruck. Thanks for the intro @joerogan!
1,301 Likes | 1912 days ago | 59
THIS Thursday I’ll be performing in Windsor, ON. I’m technically on vocal rest so if my voice goes out please be prepared to run on stage and play charades with me to convey what I’m trying to say to the audience 🤦🏻♀️
7,579 Likes | 1913 days ago | 304
For the last time this is not me and I am not a contestant on the Bachelor this year. I will not be addressing this again until @davidspade clowns me about it in four minutes.
11,320 Likes | 1914 days ago | 546
If @beberexha has this problem, we all have a problem. I will go to Neiman Marcus with you right god damn now and all those designers can kindly go 🍆 themselves. I had eating disorders and intense body dysmorphia till i was 30 and if I by some weird fluke was a famous music star at this age, this would have been a devastating set back. We overpay for clothes so the designers can hire more people to make dresses for people like Bebe. There’s no excuse for this. @csiriano YOU UP?
1,759 Likes | 1914 days ago | 23
15,212 Likes | 1914 days ago | 179
Mandatory daily insta post of me with an animal since I bet y’all were getting worried. Captions welcome 🤦🏻♀️ thanks for letting me play with baby cows @savinggraciefoundation_ @blueskyutah
1,848 Likes | 1915 days ago | 169
Buffalo and Vermont are sold out my loves but we added a 5 pm sat show to Philly❤️ the DC show is my stand up special so please avoid wearing stupid shirts and hats! 🤦🏻♀️ which show are you coming to?
18,099 Likes | 1915 days ago | 845
So I wanted to wait to post about the gnarly specifics about Joes situation until he was out of the woods and until I was educated on the reality of what happened to him. When I found Joe, I thought he was a 6 week old piglet. I found out that he was actually about 8-9 months old (based on good growth and snout size) who had been starved to stay small by a “micro pig/teacup pig” breeder. There is no such thing as a micro/teacup pig. Trust me, I want them to exist as much as anyone, but they just don’t. There are “mini” pigs, but fully grown they are 75-150 lbs. Standard pigs grow to 400-800 lbs. This photo was from when I had to put Joe in a nebulizer twice a day for two weeks due to the scarring on his lungs from chronic pneumonia as a result of the starvation. He was at the vet about every other day, often at 1 am, due to his condition because In addition to chronic pneumonia, Joe had a prolapsed penis which took 5 surgeries to improve (which still may be a permanent issue) an enlarged heart and kidney, and deformed legs, which is permanent. He may have vision problems, but we won’t know that for a little bi. Many people are getting fooled and buying these malnourished pigs for a fortune, only to learn the same thing and having to surrender them to shelters because they start to grow to what they should be. I’m not sure how this situation fell into my lap, but it feels weird to not share what I’ve learned and give Joe the chance to shine light on this weird ass ookie business. Maybe it’s because I had eating disorders so Joe and I actually have a lot in common, I dunno. I’m not an educator on this topic, so go to @centraltexaspigrescue for more information and details on Joe’s journey, his dumb butt, and his weird penis. @estherthewonderpig is an amazing feed also. They bought a “micro pig” who grew full size but they kept the cutie head. Thank you @lilorphanhammies @livingwithpickles @exoticanimalvet and all the awesome pig people who have helped me keep this guy
6,681 Likes | 1916 days ago | 51
@realnickswardson is on a comic appreciation spree and I love it. He’s always been so nice to me and always supports other comics even though I think once he tried to fart in my mouth but it was funny
18,238 Likes | 1916 days ago | 473
This was almost the cover of my book! I had gone blonde for the Female Brain movie and I didn’t have time to change it so I was in a jam and ended up shooting the book cover with blonde hair like a silly goose. Anyway I did like my ankles looking broken but ultimately it was too weird for everyone. @jill.greenberg and @putnambooks was down for all my insane ideas and I’ll always be grateful for that. Now I’m feeling like I should have used this one?!
4,918 Likes | 1917 days ago | 90
This was almost the poster for my last HBO special. I didn’t want it to be too pink so we ended up using the other one. My next special will be for Netflix and will be taping in my hometown of D.C. March 23rd. Two shows. There’s a very weird surprise in it. Tix on my website. Here we go @netflixisajoke
3,584 Likes | 1917 days ago | 42
I have loved this girl for so long and I just binged YOU on Netflix and she made my heart expand like three times and to post my obsessive love for her on Instagram feels like a perfect inspiration of how to open to Season 2? Writers CALL ME I have ideas of how to stalk her! @kathryngallagher ❤️
1,609 Likes | 1917 days ago | 72
Tag your Eugene and Boise peeps (I don’t think anyone has eve written that sentence)
8,279 Likes | 1918 days ago | 312
In honor of my two year anniversary of getting my magic donkey, naturally I had to make an homage of our love to the most romantic song of all time. This dude has taught me more about boundaries, self-respect, direct communication, and authenticity than any self-help book, 12 step program or psychiatrist. If you can think of a more romantic song let me know and I’ll re edit it! Thank you @noellefloyd for shooting our romance and for all you do for the equine community. #rescuehorse #libertytraining #horsesofinsta
3,787 Likes | 1918 days ago | 104
The one time I actually try and write DUCK it autocorrects to this 🤦🏻♀️
2,581 Likes | 1919 days ago | 29
I can’t do shows with @kathbum she cracks me up too much. @jimmycarr #thefixnetflix
1,364 Likes | 1920 days ago | 74
Just announced - 5 shows in Charlotte running my new Netflix special before I tape it. Tix available right now. tag your Charlotte friends and enemies ❤️
12,190 Likes | 1920 days ago | 328
Sometimes you have to be a little petty
18,153 Likes | 1921 days ago | 423
🙏
5,387 Likes | 1921 days ago | 508
Hoping Instagram doesn’t flag this as inappropriate content 😬 these are my vocal cords-I am on vocal rest this week so can’t do shows @thecomedystore until Thursday, Friday and I’ll be at Pasadena Ice house doing a full hour Feb 22 and 23. Sorry everyone. I got that gnarly flu and trashed my vocal cords doing shows in Kentucky this past weekend. Tour resumes as scheduled next week in Vermont, Windsor, etc. ❤️
21,343 Likes | 1921 days ago | 466
10 years later and I still haven’t figured out jeans. #10yearschallenge
4,208 Likes | 1922 days ago | 380
What do I do if I’ve completely lost my voice? I mean I’m sure my fiancée is thrilled but how do I fix this?!
20,939 Likes | 1923 days ago | 401
I think it’s safe to say that Joe could not be happier at @centraltexaspigrescue. Now I’m more worried for the humans there because nobody can get anything done with him demanding constant snuggs. 🐽
3,747 Likes | 1923 days ago | 130
Sorry about this deeply upsetting image but there’s a couple tix left for the 5 shows in Philly. Running the brand new hour so come vote on which jokes should stay in. @onebyonepodcast you’re a psycho for making this
23,279 Likes | 1924 days ago | 346
My doppelgänger is reading my book. All part of my master plan to download my brain into hers so I can send her on tour for me and I never have to leave my house again. 💁🏻♀️💁🏻♀️ @urban_pilates
10,258 Likes | 1924 days ago | 209
Touring in your 20s is a blast. Touring in your 30s is a crime scene.
16,080 Likes | 1924 days ago | 161
I know it SEEMS like I chose a photo that’s flattering to me and not this dog, but I swear this is the best pic we got. if you want to adopt Bella and have a mini hippo in your house go to @hitlivingfoundation ❤️ #adoptdontshop
10,166 Likes | 1925 days ago | 104
#tbt to when Joe wanted to nuzzle and play but I was knocked out from the 20 hour drive to @centraltexaspigrescue for Operation Pig Drop 🐽
1,745 Likes | 1925 days ago | 64
Detroit! I’ll be right across the bridge at Caesar’s Windsor January 24. The whole thing seems fishy but they’re saying it’s close, which is why I didn’t schedule a Detroit show. Tag your Windsor/Detroit peeps who won’t yell WOO over every joke
15,238 Likes | 1926 days ago | 75
Busy is one of the first friends I had in LA. When I booked my first movie, thankfully she was in it, and we got to go to London and Scotland where she made me laugh for literally a month straight. And here she is, still doing it. Busy Tonight 11pm on E! ❤️ 🐅 shirt @tarajarmon
13,040 Likes | 1927 days ago | 410
For those of you asking if I miss Joe...I’m non stop making videos of us with Sarah McLachlan songs under them so you tell me. Thank you @centraltexaspigrescue for taking such good care of my little fighter.
884 Likes | 1927 days ago | 34
I’m doing 5 shows in Lexington, Kentucky this weekend. Tag your Kentucky people and don’t worry I won’t wear this sweater at the shows.
15,218 Likes | 1927 days ago | 136
Hell yes to a safe work environment for women everywhere and to doubling the number of qualified women in leadership positions in all industries #timesupx2 #timesup @timesupnow
3,373 Likes | 1928 days ago | 218
Added some cities, added some shows to cities that sold out. Thank you everyone for being such cutie pies. Tickets at WhitneyCummings.com obvs
4,078 Likes | 1928 days ago | 81
Sometimes it’s your job to entertain yourself. Thank you for putting up with my antics and complete refusal to take glamour seriously @kathleenkarridene @drtn. And thank you @busyphilipps for letting me wear some @tarajarmon cheetah realness on your show.
11,628 Likes | 1928 days ago | 168
I really tried to have a night where I could be fancy and not be knee deep in horse and pig shit and not wear a plaid flannel but of course that’s the night it starts pouring raining in LA. At least this may save @tommylenk some time since I’m already wearing a trash bag. This is my favorite dress ever @madiyahalsharqi and I live for vegan leather cruelty free shoes @cultofcoquette ❤️ jewelry @tacoriofficial @sonaweaver. The genius behind it all is @nschneiderstyle. Hair @drtn make up @kathleenkarridene
16,082 Likes | 1929 days ago | 140
Trying desperately to pose as well as @busyphilipps. It’s not going great. @tarajarmon thank you for the cheetah jumpsuit it’s all I really need frankly.
4,789 Likes | 1929 days ago | 40
Tonight I am on @busyphilipps with these legends @kingirairaira and @rheabutcher. It’s live so my guess is I’m gonna be in big trouble very soon
16,199 Likes | 1930 days ago | 280
I’m dead. A friend of mines son demanded that he get flowers for a girl in his class for her birthday. The result gave me hope in the future of humanity. Thank you @seamus__garrity for being a rad dad and making it so today wasn’t all panic attacks.
37,320 Likes | 1930 days ago | 1,855
Here’s another video of me and my hologram @urban_pilates. Do we all have twins somewhere in the world or do I need to confront my mom?
2,094 Likes | 1930 days ago | 115
I wonder which city I’ll leave my noise cancelling headphones in? Tag your pals from these cities so it’s not monsters at the shows thanks!
13,588 Likes | 1931 days ago | 411
Dare I open this up to a caption contest? ❤️ @centraltexaspigrescue
38,305 Likes | 1932 days ago | 965
Walking into 2019 like
1,324 Likes | 1932 days ago | 68
Raleigh, NC - I’ll be there tomorrow and Saturday. It is a new venue and i know people are confused but we shall prevail. Also why does everyone pronounce Raleigh differently? It’s almost as controversial as the words cement and crayon.
31,035 Likes | 1933 days ago | 902
After a 23 hour drive Joe is finally at @centraltexaspigrescue where they specialize in rehabilitating pigs who have been starved to stay small. He still has a long way to go and may always be a “special needs” pig due to the damage done to his body from malnutrition, but he now he has the best chance in the world. This magical wonderland has over 200 pigs so he will get to hang with other pigs and have 24-hour care from people who know way more than I do. To keep up with his progress and stupid butt, follow the angels at @centraltexaspigrescue. He will stay here until I’m done with my stand up tour (if you see it, you’ll notice I won’t be home at all to micromanage him) and after I shoot my special in March, we will figure out based on his health needs where the best place is for him to live full time. Once Joe is out of the woods I will share the details of his health horror show and the lengths we have gone to keep him alive. It’s just very bleak and disturbing and I don’t want to share negative images until we are in the clear. If you unfollow me because Joe isn’t currently in my house anymore, I completely understand. Special thanks to @livingwithpickles for dropping everything to be his co-parent and @exoticanimalvet for taking my sobbing screaming calls at midnight and being so cool when I had lost my wallet and didn’t pay you. Video of this bittersweet day in my stories ❤️
19,825 Likes | 1933 days ago | 320
1,400 miles later and we finally made it to @centraltexaspigrescue and if I ever get on Farmers Only I think we all agree I have the most swipe-right-iest profile pic.
22,576 Likes | 1933 days ago | 314
This is real and I’m laughing too hard to even write a funny caption @chrisdelia I love you but this not something I was mentally prepared for.
9,645 Likes | 1934 days ago | 95
Thank you New Mexico for making every photo taken here make me seem effortlessly easy going and tasteful because I’m neither
6,871 Likes | 1934 days ago | 439
Happy New Year - OMW. What shows are you coming to and what kind of service animal are you bringing?
4,479 Likes | 1935 days ago | 90
This is the greatest compliment of my life but i have some questions - I’m not up on my news but did @kerrywashington marry Neil Diamond this morning or something
2,445 Likes | 1935 days ago | 79
I’ll be shooting my next stand up special in my home town of Washington, D.C. I promise I won’t be wearing this denim jumpsuit. Tag your DC people. Tix avail now. @netflixisajoke
45,656 Likes | 1936 days ago | 2,576
I have a feeling I wasn’t told the truth about how many siblings i have - does anything else explain my Portland doppelgänger @urban_pilates
4,574 Likes | 1936 days ago | 30
People are posting 2018 highlights and it’s making me feel pressure to do it too, so here’s one of my highlights @sofiavergara and @joemanganiello being the cutest couple ever before the premiere of #TheFemaleBrain ❤️ 🧠 @nealbrennan @ifcfilms
9,756 Likes | 1937 days ago | 178
Yes I do pix with fans after the show
7,849 Likes | 1937 days ago | 125
Another day another doggie
6,243 Likes | 1938 days ago | 165
Joe is plotting his revenge to eat me alive for the amount of times he’s had to go to the vet and get X-rayed and stuck with needles in the past month. His chronic pneumonia is getting a bit better but he’s got some (what hopefully isn’t permanent) scarring on his lungs, so it’s still very touch and go. We are taking it one day at a time and thankfully the angels @centraltexaspigrescue are going to take care of him for a couple months while I’m touring and shooting my special so he can be 24/7 supervised by incredible vets and staff who specialize in the care of piglets who have been starved to stay small. And when he’s healthy enough he can start socializing with other pigs. Before my shows in Raleigh I’ll be driving him to Texas so get ready for some piggie poop in the car fire content. Thank you @exoticanimalvet for keeping him alive!
1,313 Likes | 1939 days ago | 71
Who is coming to Lexington shows and what do I do during the day my loves?
2,600 Likes | 1940 days ago | 122
Just added some more shows like a jackass
2,039 Likes | 1940 days ago | 24
This is my niece having lunch with the stuffed animals she won at a fair and what does it say about our society that it was the most civilized and sane conversation I’ve heard in a long time.
11,060 Likes | 1941 days ago | 288
Merry Christmas you filthy animal from my not as filthy as I thought he would be animal
4,864 Likes | 1941 days ago | 107
And on Christmas she figured out that she’s basically a dog who dresses like an Aspen divorcee in the 80s
5,909 Likes | 1942 days ago | 73
I sneakily filmed my fiancée and busted him being perfect on Christmas.
7,463 Likes | 1942 days ago | 208
I’m not entirely sure I’m gonna survive this documented act of violence but i blame myself because i bought them tiny hands/crowbars (yes she’s still trying to cut my head off)
10,816 Likes | 1943 days ago | 96
I wrapped my niece in a wrapping paper suit of armor and I’m slightly worried it’s gonna be my greatest accomplishment in life. Sweater that makes nieces love me courtesy of @rachelantonoff
1,194 Likes | 1943 days ago | 144
Thank the lord for TSA pre-check. New dates just added before I shoot my special in D.C. Which cities did I miss?
8,616 Likes | 1944 days ago | 2,528
Help.
18,411 Likes | 1945 days ago | 277
Joe would like everyone to know that he is a damn GIFT therefore will be under the tree where he belongs. @centraltexaspigrescue thank you for all the amazing advice as we try and get Joe healthy.
1,198 Likes | 1945 days ago | 34
Vancouver. If I start looking for my passport now I should be able to find it in time to make this show in Canada Feb 16.
11,893 Likes | 1946 days ago | 173
Okay now this is the kind of photoshop I can get behind. I hope you approve @jameelajamilofficial. Thank you for being insane enough to make this @onebyonepodcast. Good reminder to freeze more eggs.
5,092 Likes | 1946 days ago | 167
I don’t want to bum you out with graphic images of injured animals or bombard you with logistics, but the animals who have not been claimed in the Paradise fires and owners who lost everything and need help with their animals as they rebuild can sign them over today. It’s a shocking number of animals. If you can share on social, tag friends who can also share, or donate, please help @burtonspride and @thatvegasguy and follow their heroic work. Right now they primarily need money for gas cards to get trailers up. If you know more than me about this situation, great! Please share helpful info in the comments so people know who to follow, etc. I’m working on intel about how to best help the humans too, but waiting on legit info. More to come. ❤️
30,273 Likes | 1947 days ago | 599
Okay maybe i could swing motherhood after all. 👏 @girls.girls.girls.magazine
14,320 Likes | 1947 days ago | 191
The fighter and the pig. You guess who is who. @thefighterandthekid
1,169 Likes | 1948 days ago | 68
I am coming to Portland soon so tag your Portland pals and obviously all hipster coffee shop suggestions are welcome even though I’m gonna add so much sugar to your perfect coffee and you can’t stop me lol
2,498 Likes | 1948 days ago | 61
I love the show Adam Ruins Everything. It’s smart and fresh and educational and funny and I’m very grateful he asked me to help educate people on the nightmare that it was to be a female flight attendant in the 50s even though I still have Bobby pins stuck in my scalp from the dumb hat. I can’t believe we actually got a take where I didn’t break character laughing at @joshruben. Airs tonight on Netflix at 10!
6,990 Likes | 1951 days ago | 567
Last night in Nashville someone brought me my eighth grade yearbook and I was reminded all over again why I carry around a smattering of rage. Can anyone beat me in terms of nicknames they got in high school?
24,970 Likes | 1951 days ago | 914
If you insist on taking photos during the show please make sure it’s from a flattering angle 📷 @velocirafftor
6,362 Likes | 1951 days ago | 75
Today I had the time of my goddamn life making out with pigs and ponies at @brettsbarn. Bravo to the incredible work they do. @linabryan3 you are an angel of all angels and I am happily covered in shit 😇 @brightforbrett ❤️
5,812 Likes | 1952 days ago | 407
Today I’m forcing myself to go 30 days without apologizing unless I’ve actually done something wrong. Who wants to join me? Or tag a pal who should ❤️@thejfharris is holding me accountable.
17,726 Likes | 1952 days ago | 388
Nashville. #nashville
1,952 Likes | 1952 days ago | 58
I will be shooting my next stand up special in my home town of Washington, D.C. if comedy is still allowed in March. tag your DC pals.
3,197 Likes | 1953 days ago | 51
Thank you @noellefloyd for putting this video together about the struggle to rescue and rebuild during and after the fires. I love you @bethbehrs ❤️ Full link in bio. @onelovemalibu
8,249 Likes | 1954 days ago | 830
I need someone to explain the science of this photo to me right this instant. If it moves it means you’re stressed and if you take deep breaths it stops? It moves a ton when i look at it. Does that make the dress blue or gold? God damn it @onebyonepodcast why did you post this?! Now I’m in a panic 🤯
839 Likes | 1954 days ago | 33
I’m coming to Buffalo - tag your friends who live there and tell them to bring me gloves because I promise I’ll leave them on the plane
14,573 Likes | 1954 days ago | 257
One last snuggle with Joe before I leave him to go to Nashville. I’m gonna miss his dumb face and stupid butt.
11,083 Likes | 1954 days ago | 216
Look, this post is going to be dorky. If you have my book you know that the first chapter is about how Paul Reiser is why I wanted to be a comedian. I found his book Couplehood at a yard sale when I was 12, and it instantly made me feel better about how my brain would obsessively deconstruct little elements in life that most people don’t even really notice. My brain naturally already did that and I always felt like I must be crazy until I read his book, which was written by someone who is a master of making jokes about our quirks. His book made me realize that maybe how my observational brain worked was actually a skill on some level instead of some kid of defect. When I had the opportunity to do a TV show, I always thought of it as a “Present Day Mad About You” since that was my favorite show. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here, just that I got to meet one of my heroes and although I did embarrass myself a bit, I can at least take a moment to let that 12 year old girl know not to be ashamed of how her brain worked.
2,582 Likes | 1955 days ago | 267
Tag your pals in these cities especially if they bring service dogs to stand up shows 🤗
874 Likes | 1956 days ago | 38
I’ll be in Nashville THIS weekend but do not expect to see this hair extension ponytail. Tag your Nashville pals so it’s not crazy people at the shows thanks
8,979 Likes | 1957 days ago | 382
I’m officially too old to mosh. If someone could get me an ottoman that would be great @metallica — and yes thank you to everyone pointing this out — I wear turtlenecks to rock shows like an AUNT #metallica
13,474 Likes | 1957 days ago | 276
Well, I guess the best thing that was gonna happen to me in life happened, so not really sure where to go from here. Thank you @papa_het_ @metallica
4,460 Likes | 1957 days ago | 32
Happy very belated birthday to my sister @natashabedingfield. Sorry I had to wait to post a public happy birthday until I had a flattering photo of us smooshing our boobs together 🤗pic by @gilbertfloresphoto
1,174 Likes | 1958 days ago | 137
Tag your friends in these cities and please give me advice on where to eat and visit and all the things normal humans do even though I’m already tired from just thinking about this schedule
12,293 Likes | 1959 days ago | 129
I miss UTAH 🦄 @blueskyutah @savinggraciefoundation_
19,941 Likes | 1959 days ago | 219
Not sure why in this photo I completely froze with panic but I’m so grateful for the giant hearts of @hilaryduff and @oliviamunn. We love you @loveleorescue and all you’re tireless work getting dogs with severe medical needs out of shelters and focusing on prevention via spay and neuter programs. #adoptdontshop
6,067 Likes | 1960 days ago | 120
Baskets and basket case ❤️ @louieanderson
3,494 Likes | 1960 days ago | 36
Over the past couple weeks I’ve seen this badass legend show up in an incredibly inspiring way. She put together an 8 hour concert for the Woolsey fire victims (which raised 1 million dollars) and when I asked if she could perform at the @equalitynoworg gala the next night, she said yes without hesitation despite her insanely busy schedule. Thank god you exist @reallindaperry. Please clone yourself. And teach us all how to pull off cool hats like only you can. Linda also did the music for Dumplin on Netflix with @dollyparton so goodbye since I’m about to watch it brb
5,683 Likes | 1961 days ago | 131
Ya girl pulled it together this morning and wore something that isn’t a plaid flannel shirt for the @hollywoodreporter Power 100 Women in Entertainment breakfast. 👏to all the brilliant women honored. Thank you for being my date @milckmusic💄💇🏻♀️👗@nschneiderstyle @jamiemakeup @drtn
4,011 Likes | 1961 days ago | 30
LOL queens @aliwong @comiclonilove 👏
17,341 Likes | 1962 days ago | 312
Joe is getting into the holiday spirit because come on. Yup, I guess I just post piglets in costumes now. 📷 @livingwithpickles
5,272 Likes | 1962 days ago | 40
This is the face I make when I’m trying to keep my heart from bursting out of my chest. An honor to watch @amandlasponsored and @traceeellisross in poignant conversation at @equalitynoworg. 🙌🏼
7,284 Likes | 1963 days ago | 206
Well, it happened. I met my hero Margaret Atwood and I completely unraveled. She had every right to file a restraining order against me but she was kind, gracious and FUNNY. I blacked out but I’ll watch this video on a loop until I can see her again which will be soon because from now on I’m camping in front of her house. On her lawn. Where I will live forever. Thank you @equalitynoworg ❤️ Who is the person you’d lose your mind around if you met them? Am I alone in this?! ❤️
6,316 Likes | 1963 days ago | 72
Trust me, you want me and @sanctionedjohnnygalecki to host your event. It’s mostly me yelling and him looking at me bewildered. was blown away by the incredible people donated their time and talents to raise money for the Woolsey Fire victims via @onelovemalibu and @onegunranch. The legendary @reallindaperry worked miracles to put it together. Not pictured: me uncontrollably crying when i saw Alanis Morissette and me having an existential crisis watching @brandicarlile cover a Jhoni Mitchell song. Swipe for some performance highlights and sorry for the billion tags. @katyperry @ritaora @gwenstefani @dorothy @angelhaze @macygrayday @alanis @incubusofficial @brandicarlile @alanis @gilbertfloresphoto @wah_music @ritawilson @rachelantonoff @natashabedingfield @nikkireed
10,146 Likes | 1964 days ago | 419
I’m just gonna go ahead and post this because ❤️ but also so people stop sending it it to me 😊Thank you but I GOT IT everyone! Tag a pal who needs to cry before work.
6,153 Likes | 1965 days ago | 181
I mean I think we all knew this was bound to happen. I’m now a damn cow lady. @blueskyutah please let me live with you. On this tour I’m gonna try and visit as many cool sanctuaries and charities I can in the daytime before shows. Suggestions welcome ❤️
20,904 Likes | 1965 days ago | 304
Well I met my soulmate and his name is Hank. Thank you @savinggraciefoundation_ for letting me come visit while I was in Salt Lake City doing shows. Hey Delta, can I check a cow?
2,229 Likes | 1966 days ago | 48
Thank you @jimbreuer_official for dropping by my Salt Lake City show and making me pee my panties
19,478 Likes | 1966 days ago | 388
Joe update: he’s ridiculous.
6,357 Likes | 1967 days ago | 150
The great @jimbreuer_official surprised me in Salt Lake City so we could compare foreheads
1,131 Likes | 1967 days ago | 38
I’ll be celebrating New Years Eve by entertaining drunk people in Phoenix. Come be one of those people 🎉 the show is early so you still have time to go out after to engage is debauchery and skullduggery 💀
5,337 Likes | 1967 days ago | 78
Hey Hollywood whenever you’re ready to make the female version of Dr. Dolittle let me know because I just shot the poster
1,180 Likes | 1968 days ago | 39
I love Philadelphia. I went to college there, so everyone who saw me drunkenly dancing to Ja Rule in 2000 come on down and see me run my new hour.
1,707 Likes | 1968 days ago | 39
Honored to support @malibufoundation this Sunday with all these huge hearted legends. If you can’t come, you can donate at TheMalibuFoundation.org. Thank you @reallindaperry @katyperry @gwenstefani and the many other icons donating their time and talents. 💛💗
5,237 Likes | 1969 days ago | 85
Bumping Mics is streaming now on @netflixisajoke. It’s @daveattell and @therealjeffreyross. Here’s a photo of me right before I breastfed Dave
14,986 Likes | 1969 days ago | 292
Phew. Joes surgery went great. Little fighter is doing well. Thank you for all the love and @livingwithpickles for taking such good care of him since I’m on tour. Also I just post about piglets now?
10,278 Likes | 1969 days ago | 137
As you may have noticed, I kind of have a thing for horses. If you respect them and respect yourself, there’s no cooler partnership to have with an animal. I’m super lucky my guy is safe and sound as you can see, but since today is #givingtuesday I’m gonna give to some orgs that need some support right now. @skydogsanctuary gives a forever home to mustangs who have ended up in horrible situations, at kill pens, slaughter auctions, you name it. They lost half their ranch in the Woolsey fires. If you donate today, they get matched funds from Facebook and PayPal. Skydog is also giving a portion of the donations they receive to the California firefighters as a thank you for saving their ranch. Pretty cool.
3,436 Likes | 1971 days ago | 96
🐐 of all 🐐 @madflavors_world — what’s your favorite Joey Diaz Story?!
3,578 Likes | 1971 days ago | 30
I had the crazy honor of seeing the great Cicely Tyson receive an honorary Oscar. YouTube her speech if you want your heart to explode then implode then explode again.
11,065 Likes | 1972 days ago | 355
I’m feeling like I may regret opening this up to a caption contest?
19,350 Likes | 1972 days ago | 256
Be still my pig. I’m so scared to post too many updates on Joe since I’m terrified he may not be out of the woods on his health issues, but @livingwithpickles is taking care of him for the next couple weeks, so he’s in the best hands possible. Follow her for by the minute updates on him. He does have a home lined up, and we will reveal who the lucky winner is once it’s all said and done. But trust me, he’s gonna be happy as a pig in shit.
5,169 Likes | 1973 days ago | 147
Got ‘em. If you aren’t following @theovon what are you even doing?
9,655 Likes | 1973 days ago | 130
I really want to caption this pic “name this sitcom” so feel free because y’all are always hilarious with that game, but I also gotta be sincere for a sec and thank this heavenly angel @nikkireed for being the goddess of all goddesses and co-hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for people who lost their homes in the fires. The showed up hard this past week, giving me inspiration and very literal advice on chickens. Proceeds went to @losangelesfiredepartment and @safeplaceforyouth. Bravo @cafegratitude for stepping up.
16,699 Likes | 1974 days ago | 608
I’m not even sure how to caption this so I’ll just shut up and let you enjoy a video of Joe having Thanksgiving dinner with @livingwithpickles. Please plan my funeral because I’m officially dead.
8,340 Likes | 1974 days ago | 74
Okay now my Thanksgiving is getting happy AF. Thank you @ohsnapjbsmoove and his unicorn of a wife @shahclectic for supporting the Cafe Gratitude event for families who lost their homes in the fires. @cafegratitude ❤️🍽❤️
4,500 Likes | 1974 days ago | 89
Thank you for all the volunteers who DMd me on Instagram, then actually showed up, then didn’t murder me, then spent two hours playing Tetris with donations so they could all fit into a truck that’s going up to the Paradise fire victims. I am aware that a lot of donation centers are full and overwhelmed. We have some places that for sure do need donations of all kinds, but feel free to throw out any updated information in the comments. Always helpful. @animalhopeandwellness thank you for going up north personally to execute this and @hitlivingfoundation for driving the truck up! And thank you @milesrogers for catching me every time I fell over because my core refuses to engage. If you were one of the volunteers who showed up please comment so I find and thank you. ❤️
21,224 Likes | 1975 days ago | 741
This bud was evacuated from the Woolsey Fire. I can’t tell you his name but when I beg the owners to give him to me what should I re-name him? My pitch is Titus the tortoise. Call me Pixar so we can get that movie going.
18,012 Likes | 1976 days ago | 260
Thank you to @tessholliday for coming over after going to Disneyland and bringing us some happiest place on earth vibes for our engagement photos. I’ve really been dropping the ball with self care lately but she whipped me back into shape by bringing me face masks, refusing to let me self-deprecate, coddling my baby pig, making me laugh, and letting me ogle her tattoos. All that made up for the fact that you think my favorite coconut water “tastes like ball sweat.”❤️
17,557 Likes | 1977 days ago | 317
This goats name is Brad Pitt. That is all.
10,094 Likes | 1977 days ago | 231
The great @bertkreischer is donating to the Paradise fire victims with us. This machine has a big heart! Lotta @joerogan @seguratom @thefighterandthekid swag on the way❤️
12,881 Likes | 1978 days ago | 315
My heart exploded from all the people who showed up with donations for the campfire victims. We got so much that we had to get a huge truck. @animalhopeandwellness will be driving this stuff up there personally on Wednesday. I can’t thank you enough. And thank you for reposting the event @nikkireed @sophiabush @bethbehrs @michelletrachtenberg ❤️
22,653 Likes | 1978 days ago | 512
I’m back home with this dummy. I’ll be running around Malibu and Agoura Hills tonight with supplies and help. If you need help please DM me what supplies or help you need and where. ❤️ otherwise I’ll be doing whatever @animalhopeandwellness tells me to do with relief efforts.
4,636 Likes | 1979 days ago | 102
I will be here tomorrow taking donations for the Campfire victims. Bring anything you can for people or animals and we will get them to the right place. For people asking for where to send money, @animalhopeandwellness is where I’m donating. They’ve been tirelessly rescuing people and animals in The Woosley Fire all week and are personally delivering supplies to NorCal people and animals next week. Great place to give if you can and are outside CA. Also at this event 20 percent of Pickles book sales go to victims as well. See you tomorrow!
13,507 Likes | 1980 days ago | 432
The pig is alright. Thank you @livingwithpickles for pig sitting.
25,129 Likes | 1980 days ago | 518
King is safe. So many people and animals are not. I’m going to keep doing as much as I physically can. I’m checking every DM my thumbs can get to so if I have not responded immediately, know I will try. Thank you for all the support, but I don’t think people should get points for helping animals. Animals can’t make phone calls or drive and they do and have done so much for us (horses literally used to transport us to safety before we had cars) that it’s the least we can do in return as a species. ❤️
19,194 Likes | 1980 days ago | 235
Thank you @livingwithpickles for dropping everything to come help me with Joe the piglet since I’m in over my head with a sick piggie. This is Pickles, not Joe. Pickles is staying in my house the next 5 days. Her story about how she championed this guy is unbelievable. Joe is doing great today, the only issue now is Joe may feel insecure being in the same house as this sexy insa pig influencer. 🐷 the way people are showing up for each other right now is really inspiring and making my heart hopeful again.
5,316 Likes | 1981 days ago | 432
I’m sorry for rescheduling so many shows but these fires are no joke. These shows are all ON. Thank you for understanding everyone. Spokane and Vegas, the rescheduled dates are coming soon. ❤️
34,113 Likes | 1981 days ago | 1,370
So lil Joe has a mild case of pneumonia. Thank you @exoticanimalcare for coming to meet me at 2 a.m. to treat him. I know my captions need to get funny again soon but I’m just blown away by the kindness people are showing right now. And yes he looks like a possum because he has mange just FYI before you all yell at me that he has mange, don’t worry I know, and I probably have mange now too.
9,322 Likes | 1982 days ago | 268
Dropping off clothes at @shopellea in Woodland Hills for victims of the Woolsey fire victims who lost their homes. Super easy to do if you’re able. Open 10-6 today thru Saturday. I know everyone’s looking for specific ways to help so this is a good actionable one. 😊 please add other options in the comments if you have other places to donate?
7,998 Likes | 1982 days ago | 275
Yeah no shit. Someone please tell my Instagram time limit app that California is literally bursting into flames?
22,320 Likes | 1983 days ago | 1,146
I have a piglet in my house. This is the San Gabriel one. Any advice? Besides start to learn to love the smell of urine? His name is Joe. For pig people he did have mange and is underweight. He’s all treated and got surgery for basically a weird dick. Just my luck. @livingwithpickles is helping me so I’m good on advice thanks!
18,166 Likes | 1983 days ago | 2,022
I got the pig from San Gabriel. He’s with an exotic vet now and is safe. He’s got some major issues but they’re saying he has a great chance. Name suggestions?
10,816 Likes | 1983 days ago | 1,146
Sometimes you just got to clean an ashy horse penis. King is safe from the fires but he’s not safe from me being a weirdo.
20,847 Likes | 1984 days ago | 1,531
20,568 Likes | 1984 days ago | 628
King has been evacuated again and is safe. He has a new friend. Oh god, am I a cat person now? How does that work? Do I get mugs with cats on them? Going to Etsy now for some “pet me don’t touch me” shirts.
16,430 Likes | 1984 days ago | 1,729
Last update hopefully. @malibusafaris my offer to help you rebuild your property still stands. Please everyone stop attacking each other. That’s not helping. The animals weren’t okay, now they are. Super simple. The attention we raised help them get food and vet care when the roads were blocked and no food could get up. It worked. Let’s move on to animals and people that are not okay. Please don’t chime in with opinions and assumptions if you weren’t physically there. Try not to evaluate past posts with present circumstances. It’s not helpful to this situation or to your spirit. We gotta stick together right now more than ever.
17,581 Likes | 1984 days ago | 1,048
If @malibusafaris can just send us proof from vets, not news reporters that Stanley is okay and that the other animals are too, all good. Animals don’t have cars or e-mail. This place also had other people horses there who paid to board them there. I guess I’m just trying to do what I would hope other people would do for my animals or children if this happened. If they’re fine now, great. Do the right thing and build a cement enclosure for Stanley that can’t burn down, and get a real evacuation plan in place in case this happens again. I truly can’t and shouldn’t spend any more time on this so now the experts can do the rest because this is above my pay grade. Thanks to everyone for the kind words and even the not so kind ones. I always want to be fair and just and would never want to make a bad situation worse.
11,332 Likes | 1985 days ago | 1,553
This is how close the fire came to the fence. Now that i know the full scoop, shame on you @malibuwines @malibusafaris for not evacuating this animal or any of your animals. I was gracious earlier because you told me you’d move the animals and gave me many excuses of why you didn’t which i believed because I’m codependent and always want to give people the benefit of the doubt so i wrote a nice social media post trying to help get you hay. I tried to reason with you, tried to help you, and I brought you food for the animals. I am trying to help you do the right thing and take better care of the animals (you use to make money.) I have trailers and people who can take them out safely ready to go. I have way more photos and videos of how bad the damage in case people think I’m being dramatic. Let’s just do this the easy way? DM me and I will help you. I know moving a giraffe is incredibly dangerous but not having an evacuation plan at at all isn’t acceptable. Yes they keep saying they “evacuated” but that means into a pasture that’s still Smokey and burning on their premesis just FYI.
18,241 Likes | 1985 days ago | 1,108
I’m deleted my understanding caption about Malibu wines/Saddlerock ranch. I didn’t want to speak until i had all the information. Now I do. They had a lot of excuses and i was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. They didn’t evacuate their animals and still won’t. I wanted to be understanding and gracious, but once you treat your animals like this (when you have plenty of money) we simply aren’t on the same page. The pastures were still burning in areas when I got there, an injured pig was found by us that nobody was looking for, and the owners of boarded horses were told they were evacuated which is a lie. So now we have a problem. You guys can DM me if you want to discuss evacuating them otherwise I’m just going to post the photos I have. Talk soon?
39,253 Likes | 1985 days ago | 1,628
I went rogue and went to check on Stanley the giraffe myself. There were a lot of rumors and i didn’t want to be contributing to untrue gossip. I don’t know enough about exotic animals to know if them choosing not to move him was the right choice, but for now he is safe although the conditions are terrible air quality and windy. They are trying to build a barn for him for the night because it burned down. The best thing you can do to help is have as much hay delivered as you can to Malibu Wines/Saddle Rock Ranch or bring some if you live in the area. They lost all their structures, but all the animals are alive right now. I was frustrated that they didn’t evacuate all the animals days ago, but again it’s easy for me to say given i wasn’t there and the fires came in fast. Everyone I spoke to was kind and doing the best they could. I’m sorry I was so aggressive with you guys both in person and on social media. I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you did what was best for your animals and humans but in the future I’m offering my services to help with a better evacuation plan and any resources you currently need. Let’s all just stick together right now and deal with everything else later.
5,636 Likes | 1986 days ago | 170
If you had to leave your animals behind please call this number now. @jillianmichaels @animalhopeandwellness
29,082 Likes | 1986 days ago | 714
Living nightmare. We are getting as many animals out as we can. Stick together. 📷 @charlesrsmith
22,288 Likes | 1986 days ago | 258
Beth and I got our horses out and now are surrounded in literal horse shit. Thank you everyone for sending so many locations to send horses and animals to - I’ve been using them all and am getting out as many as I can. Thank you. @bethbehrs ❤️
22,543 Likes | 1987 days ago | 634
I’m about to fly into this. Wish me luck. Again, Spokane I will reschedule shows. Already working on it. Thank you for understanding. Going to get as many horses and animals as I can. (And humans of course but they can drive and animals can’t.) Vegas shows on Monday and Tuesday are still ON.
17,573 Likes | 1987 days ago | 707
SPOKANE. I am so sorry. I will make it up to you.
8,101 Likes | 1987 days ago | 121
Thank you for everyone asking about my boy. The fires are not close to him and he is okay, but times like this make me feel so grateful that I even get to worry because that means I have something I cherish so much. Sending all the love I have to everyone close to these California fires and to the families who have lost loved ones. I feel guilty for being so lucky. It feels like every day we wake up to a new nightmare. Let’s stick together, shall we? ❤️
851 Likes | 1988 days ago | 44
SoCal. I’ll be doing 6 shows in La Jolla, CA next week. Running my new hour so yes it’s all new and it’s going to be one hour so plan and eat accordingly. This is one of my favorite places in the world to work out material before I shoot a special so come judge me so I can make it 👍🏼. @comedystorelj
4,065 Likes | 1988 days ago | 46
💔
17,307 Likes | 1989 days ago | 633
Taking a break from the news to let this magic soak into my tired ass heart.
674 Likes | 1989 days ago | 22
Me and my shiny ass forehead will be doing 4 shows at the Rio next Monday and Tuesday night - hydrate yourself and come on down 🎉
1,743 Likes | 1990 days ago | 88
Salt Lake City. Doing 5 shows there soon. Tag your SLC pals ❄️
7,400 Likes | 1990 days ago | 89
We called a bunch of people last night to find out their voting plan. It was a pleasure chatting with some lovey strangers, some of whom had some great career advice for me. What’s yours? (I mean your voting plan, not your career advice) @ikebarinholtz @fortunefeimster @justintheroux 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
4,638 Likes | 1991 days ago | 44
Nobody better to phone bank with than the great @fortunefeimster 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 what’s your voting plan tomorrow??? @whenweallvote
4,460 Likes | 1991 days ago | 98
Go to #telethonforamerica to see us phone banking 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 @therealdebramessing @justintheroux
3,201 Likes | 1991 days ago | 213
I mailed in my ballot a week ago because I won’t be in my city on Election Day. What’s your plan? 🇺🇸 text LOCATION to 21333 to find out where to vote in your town.
2,068 Likes | 1991 days ago | 61
🇺🇸
809 Likes | 1991 days ago | 35
Doing 7 shows in SoCal soon. Tag your San Diego/La Jolla friends and enemies. ❤️
8,687 Likes | 1992 days ago | 580
This killed me 😂 thank u for bringing it to my attention @kristenanniebell
14,709 Likes | 1993 days ago | 356
Happy birthday to one of my favorite people @bertkreischer. I love you but there’s a new machine in town.
1,762 Likes | 1994 days ago | 49
I’ll be performing in Las Vegas soon. Four shows, new hour, same desire to see who comes to stand up shows on Monday and Tuesday nights in November 🤔
2,236 Likes | 1994 days ago | 52
Challwnge accepted @malinakerman! These are my Bisous for Léo 💋 Please send him yours too. Leo has an incredibly rare genetic disorder called INAD, often referred to as “Parkinson’s mixed with Alzheimer’s for kids”. It’s a terrible diagnosis and there are currently no cures. We are hoping to change that; every dollar helps and every kiss spreads awareness for INAD. Please post your own bisous and donate at BisousForLeo.org so we can help save his life and kiss INAD goodbye. Join @bisousforleo with me @oliviamunn @kateupton @busyphilipps
9,047 Likes | 1995 days ago | 244
I asked @melissavcomedy if she could do a remix between me and @esthermonster and we’ll, she freaking can. I have a lot to think about. 😂
3,492 Likes | 1995 days ago | 127
5 shows starting tonight at the Sacramento Punchline running my new hour. ❤️
5,481 Likes | 1996 days ago | 148
I’m starting miss the years before Instagram when you could be an idiot in a costume without anyone knowing
1,012 Likes | 1996 days ago | 30
Thank you for all the love on the audiobook. This is the section I’m getting a lot of DMs about and it’s really touching anyone gives a shit. I do read all your messages about how the book helped you, never mind that it’s between getting dick pics ❤️
4,734 Likes | 1996 days ago | 53
Daisy and Frank are putting themselves up for adoption for Halloween 🎃
3,621 Likes | 1997 days ago | 37
In my book I include the “red flag test” which is a sneaky way to find about someone’s subconscious. What’s your favorite animal/article of clothing/body of water? I had a total blast doing the test with @mosesstorm. Catch him on the forthcoming @teamcoco tour 😊
4,242 Likes | 1998 days ago | 49
Woah I found 🧚🏼♂️and 👗 IRL
1,183 Likes | 1999 days ago | 38
Doing 5 shows in mysterious Spokane soon. Tag your Spokane friends and foes 👋🏻
4,427 Likes | 1999 days ago | 74
What are some legal options if kids refuse to trick or treat at your house? 🎃
6,047 Likes | 2000 days ago | 147
Voting is how we resist letting our lives be decided by people who don’t share our values and circumstances. Resistance isn’t a party thing, it’s how we hold people accountable and express our power. Resist disrespect. Resist being passive. Resist the old stories in your head that hold you back. Thank you @maya_brenner for this necklace that reminds me every day to resist the big and little things that aren’t ideal. 🇺🇸
3,469 Likes | 2000 days ago | 185
Sometimes good things happen when you leave your hotel room on tour. Next stops: Sacramento, Spokane, La Jolla, Salt Lake City, Nashville. Where should I do shows in January?
5,150 Likes | 2001 days ago | 926
On Monday I get to meet this gorgeous mustang mare rescued by @skydogsanctuary. I have the honor of getting to name her! Help! Magnolia? Opal? Dorothy? Suggestions please.
7,114 Likes | 2001 days ago | 84
A sneak peak of what it’d be like to be in a polyamorous relationship with me and @oliviamunn
1,051 Likes | 2001 days ago | 60
Ooh I’m in Sacramento next weekend but don’t worry I won’t wear this sweater. Tag your north Cali pals ⭐️
2,550 Likes | 2001 days ago | 88
The people in St. Louis made me eat a bug. I handled it pretty well
2,770 Likes | 2002 days ago | 42
I think we had a little too much fun at @youngstorytellers. This is us warming up our voices before performing scenes the brilliant youngins wrote. Amazing cause to support the voices of tomorrow who decide how the next generation will see themselves and the world. ❤️ @cedtheentertainer @oliviamunn @mrjakejohnson @aparnapkin @davidoyelowo @bibbymoynihan @nfrothwell @tesssanchezgreenfield @sklarbrothers
726 Likes | 2002 days ago | 11
Not only is he a brilliant dramatic actor but turns out he’s also ridiculously hilarious. What’s your favorite @davidoyelowo performance?!
742 Likes | 2003 days ago | 64
I’ll be running my new hour in Spokane soon. Also what do I need to know about Spokane? Where do I go obnoxiously take selfies while I’m there?
14,610 Likes | 2003 days ago | 198
The epic @oliviamunn is giving me posing lessons and in my opinion it’s going great
1,138 Likes | 2003 days ago | 26
I’ll be doing 4 shows in Vegas soon. Tag your Vegas friends and enemies ⭐️⭐️
1,201 Likes | 2004 days ago | 417
What other cities should I come to before I shoot my special my lovers?
9,946 Likes | 2005 days ago | 305
I ordered a shark costume for this idiot and it’s too small because of his dumb body. What are other good costumes for dogs? Sushi? Taco? Or no costume because it’s a freaking dog and they’re cute enough as it is and I should stop using dog costumes to procrastinate when I have a ton of work to do?
8,837 Likes | 2005 days ago | 173
I tried to prank King and we just fell deeper in love by accident 🦄
7,359 Likes | 2006 days ago | 54
The one good thing about constantly being in airports on tour is you get to run into some of your favorite comics you never get to see. ❤️ @realdlhughley
3,908 Likes | 2006 days ago | 30
I’m geeking out! I just met some players for the Cleveland women’s football team and Burning River Roller Derby! Y’all are my heroes! 🧡🖤🧡🖤
3,035 Likes | 2007 days ago | 45
I crashed a wedding in Cleveland and it went pretty well 🙄 See you next weekend St. Louis.
4,510 Likes | 2007 days ago | 74
my bestie @kevingchristy teaching me how to do a back spin. WARNING: this is harder than it looks - but do try this at home and tag me so I can see you get rug burn
8,042 Likes | 2008 days ago | 93
Bath day for the three legged street ferret. As much as i want millions more little goblins like Sunny, please #adoptdontshop
10,695 Likes | 2008 days ago | 107
❤️ @theellenshow made all my dreams come true by giving me my own Heads Up game deck! For the life of me I can’t play it cool around her. 👕👖@Ragandbone 👠@tamaramellon 🕴🏻@georgekotsi 💆🏻♀️@drtn💄@jamiemakeup
5,265 Likes | 2008 days ago | 279
While doing press in Cleveland this morning for my shows this weekend i got distracted by finding the leg lamp from the Christmas story. I promptly lost my shit - the Christmas story house is near my hotel! Should I go?
12,889 Likes | 2009 days ago | 176
The hottest new fall fashion accessory is the “I Voted” sticker amirite? Not having one is so 2016 and every year before that 💕 💄 @jamiemakeup 💆🏻♀️ @drtn
4,868 Likes | 2009 days ago | 37
My friend @busyphilipps has a book out and I’m celebrating it by wearing a top that only she could pull off. 💕
11,385 Likes | 2010 days ago | 340
Miles is trying to teach me the backpack dance for @theellenshow today. It’s going great! I have a whole new respect for @thebackpackkid
15,989 Likes | 2010 days ago | 598
I’m going on @theellenshow tomorrow and I’m practicing possible walk out dances 💃🏻Thank you @blakegriffin23 for these shoes - they prevented me from rolling both ankles simultaneously.
4,910 Likes | 2010 days ago | 168
LET THE CAPTION CONTEST COMMENCE @teamcoco
2,183 Likes | 2010 days ago | 45
I’m forcing @demetrimartinofficial to be more active on Instagram and here I am teaching him our hot catch phrase. Tag him with some advice for this new social media journey 💻
14,853 Likes | 2011 days ago | 334
Thank you @j_corden for helping me discover my physical limitations ❤️
3,548 Likes | 2012 days ago | 69
My master plan to turn King into a dog is finally starting to work. Sorry about the 💩! I’ve been too sick to do much posting but after my second round of steroids I’m back! I missed you guys 🤕
1,887 Likes | 2012 days ago | 12
I had the incredible pleasure of seeing @yesimsarahjones perform her show Sell/Buy/Date last night. It’s brilliant, hilarious, and heart breaking. A must see. Check out her Ted talks to have your head blown off 🤯 @rosariodawson #sellbuydate
1,490 Likes | 2013 days ago | 10
all the greats are in Camping on HBO! Can’t wait to see this! @bridgeteverett @jennifer.garner @juliettelewis @busyphilipps @lenadunham @jennikonner @brettgelman @janicza
8,697 Likes | 2013 days ago | 106
It’s official: King is better at selfies than i am
9,670 Likes | 2014 days ago | 121
Thank you to the magical unicorn who brought a mini replica of my book to one of my shows. It even has all the actual text in it! 🤯 Stuff like this makes all the late nights and workaholic health breakdowns worth it. I love you guys. 💕
5,032 Likes | 2014 days ago | 99
Stockpiling this pic for when I inevitably start a “comedy and mammograms” business down the road
747 Likes | 2015 days ago | 33
Cleveland is NEXT weekend! Tag your Cleveland exes! ❤️
6,416 Likes | 2015 days ago | 69
Sometimes you just gotta go ham on your favorite ice cream with your bestie #ginnifergoodwin ❤️ Thank you @coolhaus 🍦 #ibuywomenowned @thealist.us
6,508 Likes | 2016 days ago | 190
Fan moment! I found a Google maps guy on the way to my shows in Washington. I totally geeked out! I’m star struck! 🤯
2,221 Likes | 2017 days ago | 27
My favorite coven ❤️ @junediane #ginnifergoodwin
9,241 Likes | 2017 days ago | 223
This helped me. #worldmentalhealthday
5,056 Likes | 2017 days ago | 379
Name our sitcom @theovon @tonyhinchcliffe
5,090 Likes | 2018 days ago | 129
No need to compliment our “dresses” 😉 Extra points if you can spot the moment I legit almost fall over during this set thanks to being dizzy from antibiotics.
1,257 Likes | 2018 days ago | 76
Here we go. Tag your SLC pals ❤️
19,204 Likes | 2019 days ago | 261
And this is why I love The Good Place
15,578 Likes | 2020 days ago | 297
🔥🔥🔥
3,755 Likes | 2020 days ago | 51
I like big brains and I cannot lie
2,965 Likes | 2021 days ago | 37
Just found this video of Frankie as a puppy and I’m properly losing my mind over it. Cc @beaniefeldstein
5,582 Likes | 2021 days ago | 157
I’m bedridden with a sinus infection but at least I have a shirt that says Miss Vanjie 💞
1,239 Likes | 2022 days ago | 92
I’ll be in Cleveland in two weeks apparently to make some haha. Most importantly, where do I eat? Tag your Cleveland pals.
8,959 Likes | 2023 days ago | 167
Dude. Being the answer to a Heads Up question may be my greatest achievement in life? What was the question tho?! 😬
19,777 Likes | 2024 days ago | 267
Last night @michaelrapaport did stand up for the first time since 1993 and I smiled for the first time since 1993
2,196 Likes | 2024 days ago | 36
Am I the only person who thinks Uber needs to step up its candy game? 🎥: @adriennetharris
12,836 Likes | 2024 days ago | 315
Wait if a bee keeps following me around does that mean it thinks I’m a queen?! 👑 🐝
5,054 Likes | 2025 days ago | 175
Here we go. @theoriginalbigdaddy
7,859 Likes | 2026 days ago | 128
When it drops to 82 degrees in LA I’m like ☃️☃️☃️
10,634 Likes | 2026 days ago | 360
Should I tattoo this image on my back or forearm? Neck? #adoptdontshop
11,851 Likes | 2028 days ago | 333
I hope Lady and the Tramp doesn’t sue us for copyright infringement. I challenge you all do to this with your dog if you have one and tag me! If you have a cat, even better. If you don’t have animals, be creative! ☺️
12,243 Likes | 2028 days ago | 216
King has taught me a lot about mirroring. Usually I find the energy I give is the energy I receive. Good reminder to not be a monster. Thoughts on the concept that we get what we give?
8,203 Likes | 2028 days ago | 87
Baby G.O.A.T 🐐
5,517 Likes | 2029 days ago | 73
Thank you for this cozy soft as all hell bomber @rachelantonoff. It feels like the incessant hug I incessantly need.
299 Likes | 2029 days ago | 16
St. Louis lovers. I’ll be there soon. Tag your St. Louis pals! ❤️
6,012 Likes | 2030 days ago | 137
Happy birthday @arielle you funny smart weirdo. Sorry it’s on a day when everyone is glued to their screens watching a research psychologist at Stanford University be doubted.
13,599 Likes | 2032 days ago | 160
Thank you @adamconover for making my lifelong dream come true of living the nightmare of a flight attendant in the 50s. Very excited to be on this smart show @adamruinseverything
4,981 Likes | 2033 days ago | 307
This is my tortoise friend mating with a rock. Just an inspirational daily reminder that you can do anything you set your mind to!
21,310 Likes | 2034 days ago | 348
Marc Maron loves nothing more than to be trapped on a plane with me for two hours. ❤️ @marcmaron
3,955 Likes | 2034 days ago | 91
Denver, I’m honored to have been a part of so many bachelorette parties this weekend! Next up: Seattle, Cleveland, St.Louis, Sacramento, Spokane. ❤️
30,267 Likes | 2035 days ago | 565
We fell in love in a hopeless place (the Internet.) I just got these pix from a couple minutes after King and I got engaged to a man who may not have rode in on a white horse, but was smart enough to propose next to one. 💍 @leezabraun
1,878 Likes | 2036 days ago | 54
Thank you for painting this @chingya_weng. So cool. Have y’all seen The Female Brain yet?! It’s on Hulu and other places that Google will happily tell you about! 💕 🧠
1,402 Likes | 2037 days ago | 29
Super stoked @allthingscomedy is producing my next stand up special. You get it @wilfredburr @almadrigal
6,909 Likes | 2037 days ago | 222
#tbt to exactly a year ago when I had to record my audio book. As crazy as this sounds, it was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done since I kept wanting to change jokes and kept getting weird lock jaw. Three migraines and four adderall later, it got finished by some miracle. Thank you for all who have bought it and listened. Tag a pal who needs a funny self-help book! 😊
1,688 Likes | 2038 days ago | 28
Support this queen @vickibarbolak and vote for her tonight on #AGT! When i started comedy, there weren’t many women around in the clubs, but Vicki always showed me so much love and support. It was so inspiring to watch her destroy every night on stage, and be so warm and generous offstage. I love you Vicki. I aspire to be as authentic as you. She’s is a @thecomedystore 🏆
1,116 Likes | 2038 days ago | 74
Tag your Cleveland pals! And please give me ideas of what to do. I’ve only been to Cleveland once when I was like 25 and I’d rather not open that file.
2,170 Likes | 2039 days ago | 108
Soon. Tag your Seattle friends and enemy’s. ❤️
15,067 Likes | 2039 days ago | 519
Sometimes there’s good news.
8,957 Likes | 2040 days ago | 63
Yes! Bravo @johnmulaney 🙌🏼🌟🙌🏼🌟
18,594 Likes | 2040 days ago | 479
Headed to Vegas on my private jet! Two shows tonight at tomorrow at the Comedy Cellar at the Rio. Thanks @netjets #privateplane #blessed
20,779 Likes | 2042 days ago | 165
Hot Hot Tired Machine ❤️ @mrcraigrobinson #kaboodelmar
28,560 Likes | 2042 days ago | 477
The best things in life are free because some dick head pushed it out of a moving car #adoptdontshop
2,121 Likes | 2043 days ago | 71
Next weekend I’m doing 4 shows in Denver. I’m not wearing my engagement ring in this because the photo is a couple months old so don’t panic I didn’t lose it yet
12,896 Likes | 2044 days ago | 280
Someone tagged me in a post saying I should get this horse dress, so naturally I did. I can’t wear it outside because obviously but here is proof that I listen to you people
16,465 Likes | 2044 days ago | 398
Exactly @krissychula
4,982 Likes | 2044 days ago | 279
I feel strongly that being a famous beauty influencer is in my future. Watch out @hudabeauty I’m on your tail #beauty
7,139 Likes | 2045 days ago | 86
Thanks for teaching me about pride, buddy. And thanks for making hats that fit my giant head @janessaleone
20,029 Likes | 2046 days ago | 779
Amidst the Serena Williams debacle, a lot of you have been sending me clips and quotes from this joke about how men and women are treated differently if they have emotions. This was a long time ago and I stand by some of it, but I think this is the by you’re referencing, from my second special “I Love You” ❤️🐦
4,666 Likes | 2047 days ago | 109
Thank you @sternshow for your patience and coaching as I tried to impersonate Pig Virus (piglette?) for your Private Parts with gals commercial. I think I pulled a neck vein.
8,161 Likes | 2047 days ago | 76
Thank you @bethostern for my favorite necklace ever. Girlfriends are like horseshoes: supportive, protective, and they keep you from hitting the ground too hard.
11,760 Likes | 2048 days ago | 148
It was a home birth
6,804 Likes | 2049 days ago | 298
There’s always someone at the hotel gym who has to shame you by actually working out.
8,984 Likes | 2049 days ago | 336
What are some other song lyrics I should over analyze in my next stand up special? 🎶🤗 #hbo
8,362 Likes | 2050 days ago | 196
God damn it @melissavcomedy strikes again with an impression of my instagram stories that I’m starting to worry is more me than me 🧐
14,210 Likes | 2051 days ago | 164
#fbf Me at the wedding of my ❤️ @zoelisterjones where I took a big risk with a new hair product which backfired majorly and gave me a lil’ side rat tail - sorry to steal your look @theovon
1,700 Likes | 2051 days ago | 168
I might not survive doing this many cities in three months so come see my farewell comedy tour. I’m practicing my new hour of material and I promise, no politics.
30,307 Likes | 2052 days ago | 990
A friend of mine asked me to send her a video of my engagement ring. I nailed it!
75,820 Likes | 2052 days ago | 1,573
Slight BRAND revamp. Thank you for all the engagement about my engagement! I am reading all your comments! 📷 Cred: @joshklaw thanks for hiding in the bushes like a weirdo so we have proof I didn’t sprint in the opposite direction
1,798 Likes | 2052 days ago | 57
VEGAS! I’ll be there next week! Who is coming? Tag your Vegas pals! ❤️
80,132 Likes | 2053 days ago | 2,473
King just wants to eat the carats. 💍
36,760 Likes | 2053 days ago | 1,852
Today I got engaged. I handled it great! This just goes to show that if you work on yourself, trust your gut, and keep your ego in check you too can find love on a dating app.
7,062 Likes | 2053 days ago | 308
This is the best birthday gift I could ever ask for frankly. Just when you think you know your own MOTHER you find out she’s a complete stranger.
16,578 Likes | 2053 days ago | 333
Forgive your mom. Happy Birthday to me that I get to spend the day asking her for life advice. 🎂
16,126 Likes | 2054 days ago | 208
Happy Labor Day from our super casual family to yours 🇺🇸 Suit provided by @mudflapscotty
1,919 Likes | 2055 days ago | 77
HOUSTON: I’ll be there next weekend with @jennyjohnsonhi5 lovers! Tag your Houston peeps! I’m out of jokes for Instagram posts about shows so feel free to pitch some in the captions.
3,567 Likes | 2055 days ago | 82
My birthday is coming up (same day as Beyoncé nbd) and I used to want STUFF but if you guys know that animals deserve to be respected and dignified and often need us to be their voice, that’s the only 🎁 I want. Oh and don’t panic - what’s in my hand is a back scratcher for King not a torture device so no need to flip out in the comments but I love you for caring 🤗
14,530 Likes | 2056 days ago | 98
Grace and Graceless ❤️ Sorry I’m squeezing you so hard in this photo @therealdebramessing I just really love you and I’m trying desperately to play it cool 🙌🏼
8,749 Likes | 2056 days ago | 46
Happy Birthday to my Virgo sister @zoelisterjones. I love you, your warrior spirit, your endless talent, and your uncanny ability to wear literally any colors together and make them seem to match. I could die happy hiding under you wearing a wedding dress any day.
2,744 Likes | 2057 days ago | 220
Is it a door? Or a beach? Regardless, it’s a great way to find out who your most stubborn friend is.
4,246 Likes | 2057 days ago | 142
Guys I think the derma rolling is really working
904 Likes | 2058 days ago | 46
You guys asked me to come to St. Louis, and I do nothing if not listen to strangers requests. Tag your St. Louis pals! 👋🏻
8,747 Likes | 2059 days ago | 197
Found my permanent shirt. Thank you @wearewildfang for understanding me like few others do.
1,576 Likes | 2059 days ago | 50
The German poster for The Female Brain is making me happy. Now I need to google what all these damn words mean. DANKE! @cecilystrong @blakegriffin23 @deoncole @sofiavergara @james_marsden @nealbrennan @andrewschulz @beaniefeldstein
6,743 Likes | 2060 days ago | 106
Hot Hollywood announcement. @davidspade and I are now a comedy duo. It’s like Penn and Teller but we’re both Penn at the same time
4,041 Likes | 2061 days ago | 106
Just found another video of my nieces favorite game: watch the ocean whoop Aunt Whitney’s ass. Is motherhood this humiliating as aunthood?
13,595 Likes | 2062 days ago | 125
Our #nationaldogday photo shoot is not going as planned but here is proof that we tried.
7,882 Likes | 2062 days ago | 136
Happy #nationaldogday. I guess I like dogs. Who can name all my dogs?!
8,807 Likes | 2063 days ago | 110
The great @bertkreischer has a special on Netflix streaming now! Watch it if you like glee and joy and peeing yourself.
5,439 Likes | 2064 days ago | 178
I just got an IUD to help with my migraines, and had forgotten that I publicly noted that I had read that a side effect of them is migraines. Am I in the matrix? (Lewk by the great @karlawelchstylist)
1,361 Likes | 2065 days ago | 81
It’s happening. I’m coming to Cleveland. Tag your Cleveland peeps and tell me what I should do during the days because you are the boss of me.
15,620 Likes | 2065 days ago | 292
AND THE WINNER IS 🏆 @bertkreischer is this you?!
11,894 Likes | 2065 days ago | 198
#tbt when @the_gentlewoman made a lady out of me
4,073 Likes | 2066 days ago | 25
The be-Whitney’s-body challenge is already off to a great start. Way to kill it @jax804 🥇🏆
19,390 Likes | 2066 days ago | 555
Sometimes I’m not with a horse or dog. Please make this dress for me in every color @cristinaottaviano. @taraswennen thank you for believing I could pull this off. 💄@andrea_tiller ✂️ @jillianhalouska
8,452 Likes | 2067 days ago | 79
I don’t even think I’d be able to match my body to this book cover as well. Can anyone beat this?
15,884 Likes | 2067 days ago | 431
It happened! I became the person who posts haircuts! I mean, I think we all knew this day would come.
3,088 Likes | 2068 days ago | 118
🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 have you seen it yet?!?
6,112 Likes | 2068 days ago | 152
Okay, last niece post. It was very important to her that before we took a photo together that all my hair was in my own mouth. Question: am I being a fun aunt or enabling something sinister?
9,091 Likes | 2068 days ago | 101
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
1,966 Likes | 2069 days ago | 84
Comin for ya. Tag your Seattle/Bellevue peeps!
2,460 Likes | 2069 days ago | 41
When I say “I’ll sign books after the show” ideally it’s MY book, but you guys bring me so much weird stuff at shows now that I guess I should just be more flexible as seen here. Thank you B.J. For not suing me. Next up: Denver, Houston, Seattle, and more will be added for Oct/November soon. @picturesoftext
12,547 Likes | 2070 days ago | 114
This is my niece Cressy. She’s the most fearless person I know. I told her I couldn’t go into the ocean because it was too cold, and this is us ten minutes later having the time of our lives. She forces me to be the best, most courageous and carefree version of myself. She also once said this about her little sister: “she’s cute but she’s a monster” and it made me laugh for like two days.
9,563 Likes | 2070 days ago | 93
Dear book industry, sure you can use this photo as a cover for your novel about about a recently divorced woman who goes to Spain and takes a lover who really sees her and inspires her to start painting again
30,600 Likes | 2070 days ago | 334
I’m starting to get this whole kid thing. They’re like dogs but they actually know how to pose for photos.
4,609 Likes | 2071 days ago | 192
I always ask my Uber drivers if they have a “weird talent.” It finally paid off. Tag friends with weird talents so I can see them-I have a perverse attraction to gross things 🤫
11,014 Likes | 2071 days ago | 298
This is NOT me, incredibly. So if you see her in Portland, please don’t run up to her and ask her why her show got cancelled or if she’s ever gonna have kids. Thanks! @urban_pilates
2,448 Likes | 2072 days ago | 92
What’s the most morally compromising thing you’ve done to get a child to like you?
1,509 Likes | 2072 days ago | 99
I just added dates in Seattle in October. Come see me contradict all the material I used to do. Tag your Seattle pals! 🙌🏼
12,116 Likes | 2072 days ago | 97
Thanks to my niece, my dream of becoming a horse finally came true 🦄
5,350 Likes | 2073 days ago | 139
Does impersonating a fun person count as being a fun person?
21,360 Likes | 2073 days ago | 319
Shot a cover for Hamptons magazine that they didn’t ask for.
12,753 Likes | 2074 days ago | 330
You guys may not know this about me, but I have a rare gift for incredible diving form 🕊
13,316 Likes | 2074 days ago | 167
My niece wanted to do a jumping competition. I do not like to lose.
7,383 Likes | 2075 days ago | 154
Oh, you didn’t think I bring a pillow and my heating pad with me on a plane? Anyone think they have a more hard core self care game than me? Prove it.
2,326 Likes | 2076 days ago | 18
I ❤️ these legends @lauradern @katemicucci @rikilindhome #tignotaro. It was an honor to help raise money for #tommymarkmemorialfund
4,504 Likes | 2076 days ago | 87
People always ask me what breed King is. From what I gather he’s part Hungarian Warmblood part Steve Urkel and part my best friend.
8,868 Likes | 2076 days ago | 142
Voila the moment I realized I gravitate to shirts that are basically the same color as a pig swamp 🐷 #rescuepig
2,304 Likes | 2077 days ago | 72
The reviews of my new hour of stand up are coming in hot. Thank you San Jose...who is coming to Chicago next weekend?
9,702 Likes | 2077 days ago | 267
Happy Birthday @joerogan! Can anyone name everyone in this pic? @photoshopped_af
5,493 Likes | 2078 days ago | 137
Hot tip: if anyone ever asks you a question on set and you don’t know the answer, just do this. #femalefilmmakerfriday
3,479 Likes | 2078 days ago | 65
When I first started stand up, I emailed an already very successful Demetri to ask for advice (which I now realize was a slightly insane move) and he took the time to respond with the most gracious, helpful words. This was a bright spot during a time when being a newbie female comic could be rough. Now he’s a pal and I can’t wait to see his special, now streaming. @demetrimartinofficial
5,777 Likes | 2079 days ago | 165
Finally. 🙌🏼
4,186 Likes | 2079 days ago | 90
Sunny is nobody’s fool. We should probably just start calling this this disappointing owner challenge because I truly suck at this. #disappearingowner
11,545 Likes | 2079 days ago | 170
#tbt This is @busyphilipps and I a billion years ago in BOLEROS in some church in England. Her book is avail for pre-order. Order it! 📖❤️
5,461 Likes | 2080 days ago | 65
Thank you for making this @photoshopped_af. YOU GET ME 🦄
3,888 Likes | 2081 days ago | 76
I want to be very clear with you people: I still wear tie dye. @proenzaschouler thank you for not giving up on it either. Sorry I paired it with a sports bra.
4,162 Likes | 2082 days ago | 110
Just found an old exercise machine called “slender lady.” Days when I feel like we’ve made no progress as a society, I’m going to remember that this used to be a product. @jameelajamilofficial try not to pull your hair out when you see this.
4,933 Likes | 2083 days ago | 133
I feel like we can all agree that it was only a matter of time before I became a crazy bird lady.
7,590 Likes | 2084 days ago | 115
Is this a money move?
7,808 Likes | 2084 days ago | 262
Turns out directing dogs in films is my favorite thing ever because I get paid to do what I’d be doing all day anyway. What should this guys name be?! 🐕 @vca #shortfilmseries
3,962 Likes | 2085 days ago | 135
Hire me to direct your project if you want to be hit with between 2 and 4 lawsuits due to my refusal to use anti-perspirant.
11,726 Likes | 2085 days ago | 174
I AM 5’10.
4,418 Likes | 2086 days ago | 132
Second attempt at disappearing owner challenge with Daisy was even more underwhelming.
24,985 Likes | 2086 days ago | 596
I tried to do the disappearing owner challenge. It did not go as planned.
5,418 Likes | 2087 days ago | 134
When I direct stuff I dress like Jane Goodall if she played baseball in a League of their Own. @vca #shortfilmseries
10,246 Likes | 2087 days ago | 279
I tried to participate in the trend of filming exercising. It didn’t go great.
1,823 Likes | 2088 days ago | 97
Denver, consider this show announced. I’ll be there in September for 4 shows. Tag your Denver friends so I don’t have to post about this anymore. 💛
2,351 Likes | 2088 days ago | 139
Houston, we have a problem, I’ll be there September 7 and 8th. Tag your Houston peeps ❤️
4,456 Likes | 2088 days ago | 120
I feel like I kind of deserve this given I was delusional enough to think I could pull off this hat 🎩
10,025 Likes | 2089 days ago | 213
I swear one of these days I’m going to post a photo without a dog in it. Just you wait.
21,299 Likes | 2090 days ago | 201
I’m not on the Bruce Willis roast but we did meet up to talk jokes and I assure he will have some serious LOLs.
4,817 Likes | 2090 days ago | 115
Ma Camelia 🐫 camels are awesome and intelligent. Please don’t ride them at fairs ❤️and yes I realize we look alike.
2,338 Likes | 2091 days ago | 109
Who is coming to these shows—August 17, 18. Also give me your HOT TIPS on what to do in a Chicago during the day to get them 🔥 insta stories
13,764 Likes | 2092 days ago | 304
The view from my bathtub. WHAT IS HE TRYING TO TELL ME?!
3,306 Likes | 2092 days ago | 156
For all of you who are asking me to get Ginny on Instagram, I’m trying but she may have too much class and grace for this whole rigmarole ⭐️ Mah face @ermahnospina mah hurr @cailenoble
28,658 Likes | 2093 days ago | 614
What is I’M FREAKING OUT because I’m a clue on my favorite show! 🤯
9,742 Likes | 2093 days ago | 117
Snow White and the 7 Personalities #ginnifergoodwin @joshdallas we miss you ❤️
8,486 Likes | 2095 days ago | 130
Nostril party 🎈
10,597 Likes | 2096 days ago | 297
Voila the first 2 a.m Etsy purchase I don’t regret 🦄
23,268 Likes | 2097 days ago | 817
This post is hard for me because if I didn’t already have so many doggos, I would sweep this one up in a heartbeat. He is paralyzed from the waist down, but with therapy and love, amazing things are possible in recovery. He’s so young and so motivated and as you can see by the zoomies, is already very mobile. This one is ALL heart, folks. Thank you @animalhaven (New York city) for believing in this angel. (Currently named Fede for when you go adopt him!)
9,385 Likes | 2098 days ago | 137
Let me be very clear: if you allow me into your Turkish hamam, I will pose with ancient bowls on my head and arrange my arms to cover the terrible self-tanner job on my legs.
3,444 Likes | 2098 days ago | 53
Two more shows tonight at Caroline’s, a club I’ll always go back to because they headlined me when I was just a wee lass with some one liners and a crazy dream. Next up, San Jose and Chicago.
10,095 Likes | 2099 days ago | 235
Not a trip to NYC without a stop at @animalhaven rescue. This is Miami Max who was pulled from @miamidadedogs. Some psychopath drug him behind a car so one of his back legs is still healing up (swipe for video) but with a little rehab and a lot of love he will be the greatest thing that ever happened to you. I only cried twice so that’s a win. Come rescue this baby!
4,689 Likes | 2100 days ago | 91
Hey now NYC: tonight I’m doing two shows at Carolines on Broadway. By day in New York my main pastime is making Will take selfies with me @sternshow
1,217 Likes | 2100 days ago | 28
#tbt working on using breath, visualization and intention to guide King and trying to remember that force, domination and manipulation is so 90s.
9,812 Likes | 2101 days ago | 403
😂 @melissavcomedy strikes again with her impression of my Instagram stories. She’s giving me a lot to think about.
15,806 Likes | 2101 days ago | 352
My evolution toward a Gilead wife is slow but steady. Also finally I get to use this emoji 👗
5,909 Likes | 2101 days ago | 90
Just when I thought I was out of the woods, I’m back in the woods
16,241 Likes | 2102 days ago | 816
This fierce genius just killed me with her impression of my insta stories. 😂She’s given me a lot to think about. 🧐 @melissavcomedy I love you.
11,510 Likes | 2103 days ago | 372
It’s become apparent that I have subconsciously started dressing like I’m in The Handmaids Tale. This feels like how Serena Joy might dress if she were to go scuba diving, for example. Or maybe this could be her New Year’s Eve look? I have a feeling y’all are going to have some funny improvements on this caption in the comments. 💙
16,655 Likes | 2103 days ago | 269
I’m starting to get the hang of this whole “being happy” thing. 🌸
19,529 Likes | 2104 days ago | 442
Here’s an incredibly embarrassing video that documents the behind the scenes chicanery involved in getting a decent Instagram photo.
2,261 Likes | 2104 days ago | 60
Thank you Tempe for awesome shows. Meeting you and seeing that you care makes it all worth it. ❤️
21,719 Likes | 2105 days ago | 300
Sometimes you just gotta live like you’re in an ad for an anti-depressant 🦋
23,830 Likes | 2106 days ago | 390
This lives in my house. #adoptdontshop
4,415 Likes | 2106 days ago | 65
Happiness is a warm horse
4,392 Likes | 2108 days ago | 117
Handmaids Tale update. I have not watched the finale yet because I can’t handle the show being over, but by some miracle I got to meet @jeremypodeswa who directed episode 10. I acted like a complete fool and awkwardly asked him a billion questions and made him take a photo with me like a dork. He was so nice about it. Praise be! 🙌🏼 🐝
10,327 Likes | 2109 days ago | 342
What would this sitcom be called?Florence and The Machine? 🙌🏼 @bertkreischer
4,795 Likes | 2110 days ago | 121
#hollywood
33,325 Likes | 2110 days ago | 935
95 degrees + 1 shirt + 3 meetings = 1 sketchy lewk
10,186 Likes | 2111 days ago | 101
Let’s all fight as hard to be happy as Daisy fights to swim five feet. 🐶 #adoptdontshop
32,672 Likes | 2111 days ago | 531
Hot dogs 🌭
13,366 Likes | 2111 days ago | 245
I don’t let this guy swim, but never a bad idea to teach doggos where the exits are in case they ever do fall in, they know how to get out safely. 👍🏼
3,393 Likes | 2112 days ago | 69
No bit, no saddle, no Twitter = heaven #rescuehorse
6,131 Likes | 2113 days ago | 136
Ooh look what’s back on streaming. It’s on iTunes, Amazon, all the things! What did you learn? 🧠I learned that making an indie movie is hard, but an amazing cast and writing partner makes it all worth it. @nealbrennan
2,127 Likes | 2113 days ago | 92
Absolutely what he would say if he could talk 🐡 what would your dog or cat say?!
2,413 Likes | 2113 days ago | 88
Next weekend, I sweat to death in Arizona. Who is coming? Bring aloe for my imminent sun burns.
28,429 Likes | 2114 days ago | 679
It only felt appropriate to celebrate America’s birthday this year by going full sleaze 🦄 @realnickswardson are you happy now?
8,909 Likes | 2115 days ago | 170
I accidentally shot an ad for Chico’s
11,432 Likes | 2115 days ago | 127
Happy Day of Independence from the Dogs of Codependence. 💙❤️
19,676 Likes | 2115 days ago | 281
Happy 4th to all of you from me and my patriotic sports bra. 💙❤️💙❤️
6,367 Likes | 2116 days ago | 533
I’m so obsessed with zit popping videos @davidspade sent me @drpimplepopper cupcakes and I’ve never felt happier or grosser. @blessedbybaking made these deeply confusing treats.
2,596 Likes | 2116 days ago | 107
Get the vampire facial they said, it’ll be fun they said. @drjasondiamond
10,227 Likes | 2116 days ago | 86
Hey @normancook can you and @mrtankcook get married every weekend? Now my only goal in life is that I’m as happy on my wedding day as I was on your wedding day. My dress is @thekooples for those who are asking! 🌸
8,665 Likes | 2117 days ago | 116
I have a lot of regrets in my life; taking this selfie is not one of them. 💗 @cedtheentertainer @funnyasiandude
10,801 Likes | 2118 days ago | 42
AM I DARLENE YET?! Oh how I ❤️ @sanctionedjohnnygalecki
19,295 Likes | 2119 days ago | 183
Congrats to the gorgeous newlyweds @normancook and @mrtankcook. It was an honor to witness such an authentic and rare love connection. @bricuoco nailed it as officiant and I nailed it as house photographer as you can see here.
21,976 Likes | 2119 days ago | 389
My Kate Middleton impression is really coming along. Major assist from @normancook
8,684 Likes | 2119 days ago | 161
I don’t wear dresses often but when I do it’s @rachelantonoff even though it’s probably backwards and tied wrong. 💙
7,981 Likes | 2120 days ago | 226
Blame it on my wild heart 💫👩🏻🌾 I plan on taking some quiet time this weekend with my animals/teachers. What’s everyone doing? I need ideas on how to live a balanced life.
1,578 Likes | 2120 days ago | 42
San Jose dates changed slightly, but I’m still coming. Now please enjoy this photo of me with no make up or insta filters.
7,671 Likes | 2121 days ago | 225
Which comedian has the greasiest face in this photo? @theovon @joerogan @jessimaepeluso @tonyhinchcliffe
8,810 Likes | 2122 days ago | 227
I did the great @theovon podcast. I accidentally took two Tylenol PM before we taped so please be understanding about me mispronouncing super basic words and occasionally forgetting where i am. #thispastweekend
2,093 Likes | 2123 days ago | 77
I’m coming to Chicago for a couple small shows to work on new material. New material, old wounds. 👍🏼
5,692 Likes | 2124 days ago | 93
I love you @jimmycarr. Thank you for having the most brilliant Instagram feed.
3,480 Likes | 2125 days ago | 30
Happy Birthday to this burst of oxygen/ray of light/bright spot amidst the muck. Thank God you were born you sparkly unicorn silver screen star @beaniefeldstein. ⭐️
8,162 Likes | 2127 days ago | 126
Pre show a snugs. I’m doing 5 shows in Ontario, CA this weekend. Who is coming after they do their outlet shopping?
8,511 Likes | 2128 days ago | 1,396
Is this a joke? I seriously can’t tell anymore. I did a screen shot from @lesliegrossman insta because for the life of me I can’t figure out the Regram app.
4,899 Likes | 2129 days ago | 444
I’m starting to have a hard time differentiating between Handmaids Tale and the news 😔
8,361 Likes | 2130 days ago | 191
Nothing to see here folks
2,249 Likes | 2130 days ago | 94
Who has tickets and who is bringing me sunscreen? 😡
11,130 Likes | 2132 days ago | 328
Father’s Day can be rough for people who have lost their father, have a tricky relationship with theirs, or wish they were one. It’s super cool and inspiring to see so many happy father pix on my feed, but it’s bittersweet because I wish I had some of those to share. I don’t, but because fatherhood is about unconditional love, patience, and leadership, maybe today can be about finding that other places too. Happy Father’s Day, regardless of what your concept of father may be. ❤️
2,575 Likes | 2133 days ago | 57
Luddite learns magic! Thank you San Diego, who is coming to Ontario, CA shows next weekend?
9,708 Likes | 2133 days ago | 367
Joe sent this to me and it cracked me up. 😂 next time I go on I’ll wear a turtleneck.
1,434 Likes | 2134 days ago | 64
Running a new hour of material in San Jose, CA. Who is coming and what else should I do in San Jose when I’m not trying to get your approval?
7,101 Likes | 2135 days ago | 145
Jumping into the weekend like 🐶 I found this girl on the street. She was terrified of water a year ago and here she is now. She’s a constant reminder that change for the better is possible. #adoptdontshop
5,186 Likes | 2135 days ago | 86
Finally learning to ride the horse in the direction it’s going. 🦄
3,428 Likes | 2136 days ago | 375
New #handmaidstale and you know what that means: new complete emotional meltdown in my sports bra.
10,814 Likes | 2137 days ago | 132
Hey teeth whitening companies, @steveo and I are available to be your tooth models 😬
1,972 Likes | 2137 days ago | 74
Ooh who is coming?
10,860 Likes | 2138 days ago | 276
Can anyone name all the babes in this photo? 👋🏻
1,529 Likes | 2138 days ago | 44
Come see me and my pals do the LOLs June 27th @jessimaepeluso @ianedwardscomic @arielle @ronfunch
3,614 Likes | 2140 days ago | 83
Delta, in the past we’ve certainly had our differences, but now that you’re showing The Female Brain, I’ll forgive you for losing my luggage in Orlando that time.
6,955 Likes | 2141 days ago | 112
This is what happens when you ask me to give a graduation speech at your college. Tag a graduate who needs permission to be imperfect 😊
6,853 Likes | 2141 days ago | 98
Taking my medicine ❤️
11,052 Likes | 2142 days ago | 141
Beyond 💔 there’s a great article on Vox about how the media coverage of these tragedies can glorify and exacerbate the problem. Please read and repost if you can.
2,180 Likes | 2142 days ago | 43
Voila the poster for my dream tv show ❤️ @niecynash1 @theoriginalbigdaddy are your ears ringing?
25,491 Likes | 2143 days ago | 382
At least I got this pal out of that whole mess.
9,817 Likes | 2144 days ago | 89
Oh how I 🙌🏼 you @thatkevinsmith.
5,422 Likes | 2144 days ago | 90
I ❤️ @ronfunch so much.
1,655 Likes | 2145 days ago | 27
Today is the day to vote. I have nothing cute or funny to say about this and I know seeing me with a voting sticker isn’t going to be what makes you go, but I’m literally begging you so will that at least work? I guess I’m just straight up begging you.
20,153 Likes | 2145 days ago | 343
I got busted filming this cutie dancing and we both just rolled with it. We should all be as awesome as this dude. Tag someone who is in the market for a new hero
21,971 Likes | 2148 days ago | 466
Three years ago someone told me this guy had been thrown out of a moving car and was living in a junk yard, eating glass. Today he’s being photographed in portrait mode on a chair he’s not allowed to sit on. This gives me hope that things actually can change for the better.
1,814 Likes | 2149 days ago | 87
I finally have video evidence that broccoli rabe is my enemy. Does this only happen to me?
2,046 Likes | 2152 days ago | 184
This weekend I’m doing 5 shows of new material in Oxnard, Ca. Come, get drunk and judge me. I will sign books if you bring them. Also what topics would you like to hear about in my next special?
3,569 Likes | 2153 days ago | 322
I’d like for you to name something that’s as painful as nose waxing. I’ll wait.
7,334 Likes | 2153 days ago | 104
Everyone said my Prince Charming would ride in on a white horse-turns out he was a white horse 💕 #rescuehorse
11,833 Likes | 2154 days ago | 182
I don’t think this is what Beyoncé was talking about when she said “I woke up like this”
12,191 Likes | 2154 days ago | 485
Now this is a 🔥 first date look. Tag a sexy man who would wear this ❤️
4,522 Likes | 2154 days ago | 130
People keep reminding me about this bit now that toxic masculinity is actually topic in the zeitgeist. Happy holiday weekend! #hbo
9,657 Likes | 2155 days ago | 152
I love bull dogs because you always look young next to them
2,352 Likes | 2156 days ago | 129
I don’t know what Ontario, Ca is but I’ll be there in June apparently doing my new hour. Come, explain Ontario to me. 🤔
7,237 Likes | 2156 days ago | 106
pedaling my wares on Kimmel #imfineandotherlies #tbt
2,261 Likes | 2157 days ago | 73
I’ll be running my hour of new material in New York in July. Please come so it’s not only weird Times Square German tourists. Tag your NYC people👋
4,684 Likes | 2158 days ago | 486
Advice on how to dispose of a dead rat? I don’t think my technique is working
10,801 Likes | 2159 days ago | 80
Happy Birthday to this angel of all angels. I honestly would have died of dehydration in 2004 if it wasn’t for you making me drink water. Thank you for loving me when I was a flake, when I was lost, when I thought I could pull off brown dresses, and when I spilled a bottle of vanilla concentrate all over the floor and totally ruined our apothecary session. Spoiler alert, “Jenny” from my book is Ginny! Did any of you pick up on that?! 🦄
3,935 Likes | 2159 days ago | 53
Conspiring with the sublime @theoriginalbigdaddy on some HOT FIRE CONTENT 🔥
14,078 Likes | 2160 days ago | 296
Voila my default state for photos, terrified on a cellular level and utterly confused about what to do with my mouth, perfectly captured by @vonswank
19,941 Likes | 2161 days ago | 1,577
He misspelled his WIFES NAME. I understand it’s an auto correct but maybe re read a tweet if you’re the president?
4,702 Likes | 2162 days ago | 152
This is not normal. 💔
5,584 Likes | 2163 days ago | 162
Palm Bitch. Four more shows in Palm Beach this weekend. Who is coming to see my sunburn tonight?
9,564 Likes | 2164 days ago | 156
#tbt back when I would do my hair to try and look like Claire Danes in Romeo and Juliet remixed with Claire Danes in My So Called Life. My guess is I’m 12 here or maybe 6.
4,166 Likes | 2165 days ago | 62
📷 @vonswank 👄
8,667 Likes | 2165 days ago | 232
Anyone who brings a book to a show, I promise I will sign it. I’m performing in Florida this weekend, who is coming? 🤷🏻♀️
11,505 Likes | 2167 days ago | 229
Today can be tricky for some people without moms or kids, so Happy Mother’s Day to every iteration of mom: the moms to humans, the cat and dog moms, the single dads, everyone trying to mother their inner child, the future moms, the women trying to become moms, the mothers of frozen eggs, everyone who loves something unconditionally, today is for you. 🌸
7,646 Likes | 2168 days ago | 182
#sanfrancisco
3,548 Likes | 2170 days ago | 88
After shows I’m so tired that I’m incapable of having boundaries 🤷🏻♀️
3,536 Likes | 2170 days ago | 85
We released some tix for San Fran shows tomorrow and Saturday so come hither. This is kind of what it feels like to be at one of my shows.
4,996 Likes | 2170 days ago | 80
Thank you @hollywoodreporter for including me in your TV showrunner panel and for letting me look wistfully into the distance (aka hide the zit on my right cheek) for the portrait
3,432 Likes | 2171 days ago | 91
Just added some new tour dates. Who is coming to San Fran tomorrow and Florida next weekend? 🤷🏻♀️
2,918 Likes | 2173 days ago | 108
Arizona. I’ll be running new material in your hot as hell state this summer. Tix avail now if you’re into comedy in the desert. 🌵
2,672 Likes | 2173 days ago | 506
Help. Is there a male equivalent? If not what are some ideas for the male version of gold digger? (The answers in the comments are already amazing 🙏🏼)
4,858 Likes | 2175 days ago | 108
Anyone else feeling weirdly cat called by Instagram filters lately? 😯
2,018 Likes | 2176 days ago | 199
This crushes me. Please read this Atlantic/NYT article and tag people who care. It’s 2018. We don’t have to abuse animals for entertainment anymore. This is barbaric. 💔
10,420 Likes | 2176 days ago | 249
I know #oldheadshotday has gotten a bit out of hand but I just found this one and I’d like to give everyone permission to yell in my face if I ever have the audacity to cut my own bangs again. Also special shout out to Mac lip GLASS
8,643 Likes | 2177 days ago | 159
I brought my bloated yet sultry auto mechanic jumpsuit real ness to New York. Sorry @mondrianparkavenue for confusing people about your brand.
8,504 Likes | 2178 days ago | 140
Thank you @hollywoodreporter for letting me live my dream of dressing like I’m a sassy secretary from the 50s. 👗@georgekotsi 💇🏻♀️ @hairbyjohnd 💄@kathleenkarridene
2,045 Likes | 2179 days ago | 89
I’m doing 5 shows in South Florida to run new material and generally put myself in a climate that makes my hair look like a rat king. Also please suggest things for me to do during the day that don’t require going outside thanks!
4,043 Likes | 2179 days ago | 81
King had to have his teeth worked on today so he’s on anesthesia and totally wasted and frankly it’s very cute.
13,140 Likes | 2180 days ago | 197
Just saw that today is #nationaladoptapetday. Please don’t buy dogs or cats. There are literally millions of awesome ones who will die if they’re not adopted. You can even get a mini donkey like this one, who luckily has a house he lets me live in.
1,869 Likes | 2181 days ago | 99
San Francisco. I’ll be there May 10-12 with a new hour. Who is coming and what should I do while I’m there? 🤷🏻♀️
13,280 Likes | 2183 days ago | 177
Seems like #oldheadshotday is being prolonged so why not share this one where I guess I was showing that I’m WACKY! Also I cut these bangs myself and wore this panda shirt I found at a thrift store literally four days a week for a year. I regret nothing.
4,881 Likes | 2183 days ago | 138
Service dogs are imperative for me to get through episode 2 of the Handmaids Tale.
12,540 Likes | 2184 days ago | 214
I missed #oldheadshotday because I’m trying to be on Instagram less, but here she blows. This was before I got invisilign when I was super insecure about my teeth so I’d try to cover my teeth with hair and my bottom lip. This was also before I knew having idiosyncrasies and crooked teeth was actually way cooler. #firstheadshot
1,930 Likes | 2184 days ago | 68
San Francisco: I’ll be performing my new hour there May 10-12. You get to laugh, I get to watch you eat. I’ll sign books after the show if you bring them 💛
7,604 Likes | 2185 days ago | 479
This begs for a sitcom title contest. Let’s try not to be too mean since I haven’t even had my coffee yet? Aaaand go! @seguratom @bertkreischer @chrisdelia 📷@troyconrads current front runner: “Three men and a maybe”