Whitney Cummings New standup special “Can I Touch It?” now streaming on Netflix. Watch me try and get @whitneysrobot on all the dating apps and out of my house ⬇️ | bit.ly/bcdating|
Whitney Cummings Posts
27,797 Likes | about 12 hours ago | 1,476
Am I allowed to just get married in this? What is with the “wedding dresses must be white” racket? Who makes these rules? Has anyone experienced a not white wedding dress and how did it go? Why didn’t we all take a fashion tip from the icon @sarahjessicaparker?
33,562 Likes | 1 day ago | 620
It really could go either way.
47,976 Likes | 1 day ago | 1,026
This is not how I saw my life going.
17,103 Likes | 2 days ago | 520
I do my best Catherine O’Hara impression #fruitwine @am2dm
20,288 Likes | 2 days ago | 302
Fingers crossed the great @melissavcomedy and I are long lost twins so I finally get to call her my sister
10,665 Likes | 3 days ago | 528
This happened moments before Bearclaws @jimmykimmellive performance, so now you know why she looked so incredibly crazy. 🤦🏻♀️ Do not watch this if you’re creeped out by things that look kinda human kinda dead
17,899 Likes | 4 days ago | 276
I was an intern at @voguemagazine and now they’re obsessed with me.
17,418 Likes | 4 days ago | 388
Welcome to Hollywood
30,543 Likes | 5 days ago | 286
Tonight I am on @jimmykimmellive dressed like the maid from the Jetsons. We talk about robots, weddings, and why I’ll never be in Star Wars.
5,774 Likes | 5 days ago | 74
Today is #worldelephantday. If you want to do something to help, follow or donate to @pawsark2000 who truly rescue and do not exploit. And do not ride elephants or support the circus. Do not believe assholes who say it’s “conservation.” It’s not. It’s always abuse. We’ve all made mistakes but it’s never too late to do the right thing. I also love @sheldricktrust 🐘 ❤️
8,917 Likes | 6 days ago | 166
The genius @melissavcomedy is more me than me with her impression of me and now I don’t even know who I am.
13,208 Likes | 7 days ago | 212
This was the first day I met @whitneysrobot. I know I seem comfortable with her now, but at first I was alarmed to say the least. I had no idea she was going to be able to have actual conversations without being programmed, so this broke my brain. We are both now screaming on Netflix.
55,059 Likes | 8 days ago | 16,788
Wedding dress shopping is surprisingly hard and I rolled my ankle numerous times...but which one do you like? And thank you @amsale for letting me be such a dumb ass in your beautiful salon.
9,888 Likes | 8 days ago | 214
Okay this started as a joke but now this bitch is starting to take my gigs. She’s on @todayshow airing right now but the good news is that her performance is robotic
18,249 Likes | 9 days ago | 372
How many horses can you spot on this dress that I’m never taking off?
13,735 Likes | 9 days ago | 126
Thank you @ryanseacrest for keeping the conversation moving so I couldn’t digress and force @vanessahudgens to sing RENT with me on @livekellyandryan this morning. Thank you @abbyhornacek for giving me this normal white shirt to borrow and 💇🏻♀️ @jillianhalouska 💄 @andrea_tiller
3,783 Likes | 10 days ago | 148
Bearclaw is having one of those days.
27,812 Likes | 11 days ago | 651
I found the only shirt I’ll ever wear again. Thank you @lelarose for being a genius and realizing that dogs should be on everything. Tag your dog people ☺️
26,019 Likes | 12 days ago | 502
I always forget I have this damn tattoo. Thank you for asking so many smart questions about my special @itsalexberg @buzzfeed @am2dm 🤖 📷 @jjreddington
12,367 Likes | 12 days ago | 212
Happy #worklikeadog day and by that I mean I hope you sleep for most of it. @netflixisajoke @netflix #canitouchit
6,687 Likes | 13 days ago | 146
If this doesn’t get me a deal to do a reboot of the movie Face/Off then Hollywood hates money 🤖
6,853 Likes | 14 days ago | 348
Got her wig snatched, then remembered she’s still cute. @whitneysrobot 🤖
37,124 Likes | 15 days ago | 1,375
There is a slight chance I did all this just so I could drive in the carpool lane. #canitouchit
9,206 Likes | 16 days ago | 254
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! @netflixisajoke @whitneysrobot
57,113 Likes | 17 days ago | 1,803
I think I’m getting the hang of this Instagram thing: just pretend you’re busy and reveal too much.
28,765 Likes | 17 days ago | 528
Violet was sick of my robot stealing her thunder.
30,931 Likes | 18 days ago | 563
As always, thank you @joerogan.
10,761 Likes | 18 days ago | 290
Can someone please get Bearclaw on Love Island and out of my house? I got her on every dating app, and that’s literally all I can do for her. You can see the beginning of this Robot ROM-COM on my new YouTube channel! Link in my stories! @netflixisajoke @whitneysrobot
8,221 Likes | 18 days ago | 272
Today this jerk takes over @netflixisajoke so head over there for some wild shit. @netflix @whitneysrobot 🤖
20,715 Likes | 18 days ago | 661
Don’t be jealous you didn’t think of it! My new special CAN I TOUCH IT? is now streaming on @netflix ! #canitouchit @netflixisajoke @whitneysrobot for everyone asking @robzangardi is the brain behind my denim tuxedo.
13,306 Likes | 19 days ago | 469
Tonight at midnight my new stand up special streams on @netflixisajoke. PC police, start your engines. #canitouchit
5,350 Likes | 19 days ago | 112
Tonight you’ll get to find out what in the lords name all this rigmarole is all about! CAN I TOUCH IT? Streams at midnight on @netflixisajoke 🤖
18,522 Likes | 20 days ago | 798
This Tuesday at midnight on @netflixisajoke I’ll explain what the hell is going on here. #canitouchit
6,110 Likes | 20 days ago | 177
TWO more days till CAN I TOUCH IT? Streams on @netflixisajoke. Get ready to feel some weird things.
15,419 Likes | 21 days ago | 317
I think a dog just beat me at basketball.
10,411 Likes | 21 days ago | 494
3 more days until my new special comes out on @netflixisajoke July 30. Get ready to laugh and see some very weird shit. #canitouchit
31,504 Likes | 22 days ago | 1,236
Total blast to speak at the @girlboss rally. Here are some hot tips I wish someone had told me when I was a young buck trying to make something of myself. Any good advice I’m missing? #girlboss #girlbossrally
10,891 Likes | 23 days ago | 105
It’s not often you get to pose on a red carpet next to a painting of your own dog. Thank you @refinery29 and @vca for collaborating to direct short films about animal adoption. #petfriendly
3,741 Likes | 23 days ago | 91
This is me without make up on letting you know there’s only 6 more days until my new stand up special is on @netflixisajoke. #canitouchit
71,359 Likes | 24 days ago | 2,670
Hairy girl summer in full effect. #canitouchit
9,132 Likes | 25 days ago | 299
But who is going to save me? 🐝
11,887 Likes | 25 days ago | 353
ONE WEEK till my new special CAN I TOUCH IT? is out on @Netflix. Share this weird ass poster and use hashtag #canitouchit, and I'll choose one of you lovely humans and record your outgoing voice mail message…
25,624 Likes | 27 days ago | 911
Ooh, do I get married at @wayfarers_chapel?! Help! I need ideas. Tag venues that can accommodate a lot of comedians and about 50 dogs ☺️
18,222 Likes | 27 days ago | 239
Just found this picture so I’ll guess I’ll spend the rest of the day staring into space. We miss you Brody. #enjoyit
12,361 Likes | 28 days ago | 343
My new special on Netflix drops July 30 but here’s a clip from my last HBO special where I talk about my uterus. Tag your girls stressed about their biological ⏰
20,122 Likes | 29 days ago | 252
Summer is my bitch. #dogsofinstagram
15,803 Likes | 29 days ago | 1,003
Someone recently told me “you post too many photos with animals on IG.” This video is dedicated to that person. Can you name all the animals in this video?
14,932 Likes | 30 days ago | 566
July 30th Any guesses on why I named the special CAN I TOUCH IT? @netflixisajoke @netflix #canitouchit
4,417 Likes | 31 days ago | 74
In this pic all I’m thinking is “do I pee on a rattle snake bite?”
13,922 Likes | 32 days ago | 648
Okay, I’m thinking this whole technology thing has gone waaaay too far. #agechallenge
12,784 Likes | 32 days ago | 123
Everyone I know is on vacation right now and I’m inside working like a dog, but I’m desperate to fit in so here’s me on vacation last year trying to not get sand in my uterus
8,486 Likes | 33 days ago | 315
People keep sending me a video of a lady running like a horse and it’s starting to feel like a challenge, so, running horse lady, CHECK MATE BITCH
18,246 Likes | 33 days ago | 506
It’s Monday and you know what that means: put on a bra and a denim jumpsuit and get your shit together. Lmk your tips on how to get through a Monday because I am struggling and I don’t take adderall.
16,647 Likes | 34 days ago | 293
To answer your question yes I do have a sports bra with my foster Violet on it.
24,886 Likes | 35 days ago | 371
People always ask me if there is a humane way to ride an elephant. Yes there is and I’m happy to demonstrate it for you. Thank you for the education @pawsark2000 ❤️ #athlete
17,936 Likes | 35 days ago | 246
It’s summer and you know what that means: a bunch of outtake pix like this in our phones because where we tried so hard to be cute for the gram but then had a shame spiral for being fake as hell. Where are you taking staged pix today everyone?
23,791 Likes | 36 days ago | 485
Spending my weekend goofing off with this handsome donkey. What are your plans for the weekend honey pies?
8,150 Likes | 37 days ago | 507
16,265 Likes | 38 days ago | 232
No I was not cast in The Lion King but that won’t stop me from being in The Lion King 🦁
7,373 Likes | 38 days ago | 357
FEMALE COMICS DON’T GET ALONG, THEY SAY, so behold my nemesis @jessimaepeluso. I love her even though she’s my mortal enemy. Who are your favorite female comics?
19,856 Likes | 39 days ago | 754
But AM I WRONG
22,635 Likes | 39 days ago | 1,071
18,845 Likes | 40 days ago | 409
My dog just schooled me in downward dog. Does your dog mock and humiliate you as much as mine does?
33,413 Likes | 40 days ago | 1,279
Violets reaction after not seeing me for two weeks (I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING.) She has more impulse control training with @steffenbaldwin and then we will figure out the next best steps for the wrinkle dragon spaz face.
13,318 Likes | 41 days ago | 822
Should I be rescuing bees or do we let Darwinism handle the drowning ones? Please advise.
18,759 Likes | 41 days ago | 578
Now we are expected to SQUIRT? #nosquirting
26,169 Likes | 42 days ago | 1,165
My lil dumbass got stung by a bee most likely and her face blew up 3 times the size it normally is. Vet gave her steroids and antihistamine shot ... anyone else go through this? How long did it take for the swelling to go down?
59,107 Likes | 42 days ago | 1,359
How long do we think it will take for insta to take this pic down even though this doesn’t at all resemble the placement of my actual nipple? Now what @chelcielynnn??
10,741 Likes | 43 days ago | 226
This is the weekend I vow to do all the things I have not had time to do this year. Like I finally got to visit @skydogsanctuary and meet this little dork Skye, whose mom was rescued from slaughter, and learn more about their incredible rescue work. What are your plans this weekend?
12,955 Likes | 43 days ago | 272
For years I’ve wanted to meet and learn from the heroes at @pawsark2000. It was surreal and overwhelming to watch how they care for the elephants and humanely clicker train them so they can receive vet care. It sucks to hear, but I learned more about the aftermath of circuses, cub petting, and riding elephants. If you want to help, follow them, donate if you can and gently educate your pals. Don’t support sanctuaries who have cubs - that means there is breeding. Tag your friends who love animals 🐘
8,615 Likes | 46 days ago | 487
I have to be squirting now? What? Is porn ruining our brains? Someone please explain this to me thanks.
30,271 Likes | 47 days ago | 723
I personally feel like I won the #bottlecapchallenge.
24,958 Likes | 48 days ago | 709
Thank you @girlboss for allowing me to berate young women about saving their money. What can YOU stop buying so you’ll have more money (aka freedom) when you need it? Overpriced lip balm? Bottled water? Fake “Micro pigs?”
5,780 Likes | 49 days ago | 59
A belated bravo to @janetmock on your Netflix deal and generally reigning supreme. Please just make a million shows. 🙌🏼
11,305 Likes | 50 days ago | 433
But AM I WRONG #comedy #standup
39,778 Likes | 51 days ago | 835
Banger alert. Anyone else have some good advice to get people through a tricky day?
12,185 Likes | 51 days ago | 410
13,759 Likes | 52 days ago | 525
Where do they get this shit from? #standup #comedy
14,438 Likes | 53 days ago | 323
Weed being legal in California may not be the greatest thing In the world for my insta pix?
6,379 Likes | 54 days ago | 49
Happy birthday to the sparkliest, funniest, giant hearted-est, talented-est, most genuine queen of unicorns the world ever did see. I love you and can’t wait to cry my head off when you’re winning your 20th EGOT. Send your love to @beaniefeldstein.
32,295 Likes | 54 days ago | 1,336
Has porn made us all go completely insane? Tag your single girlfriends who need a heads up on what’s going on out there. #comedy #standup
7,019 Likes | 55 days ago | 259
What would this TV show be called? ❤️ @lparrilla @fortunefeimster
22,124 Likes | 56 days ago | 396
What it’s like to hang out with me in a nutshell
22,946 Likes | 57 days ago | 341
Finally figured out Violets breed: unmade bed. Can you even spot her?
12,740 Likes | 57 days ago | 213
What would you look for in a sperm donor? More ranting in this HBO special available on Hulu and HBOGo